WTF does that even mean?

I realized last night, through an email exchange with a woman that I've been in contact with for about a month now, that I may never be able to open my heart again.  

Let's call her S.  I have started to "like" S more and more... our emails have gotten more personal than just the casual and humorous exchanges we had began our relationship with.  We have started to really share some things from our past... and some important dreams and goals for our future.  I can feel my heart start wanting to open up to her, but still resisting.  It remembers the pain.  And frankly I don't trust myself yet.  

At first S's emails made me laugh so hard!  She seemed to completely "get" my sense of humor.  Now, as I'm opening up a little more about my job, my passions, and my... kids even... she seems to even "get" that too.  Except... I don't get her.  She wrote this in an email very early this morning:  "My last gf broke up with me because I don't want kids and she wanted to keep that door open for herself.  I am open to children, just not family planning."  WTF does that mean?  Then she goes on to explain that the woman had 2 kids... " ... she and I should have ended the relationship sooner but I fell totally in love with her kids.  I loved being a mom more than she did.  I suppose I am telling you this because I want you to know that I am not scared of the kid thing."

I'm confused.  My heart is locking itself back up.  I cannot get even remotely involved with anyone ever again that doesn't see themselves as being a part of my life in its entirety.  Now, that being said... when I am ready to really DATE a woman, do I think my kids will be ready to accept her into their lives?  No... that's not what I'm saying.  That will be much later.  But I don't even want to go down that road with someone  if we both aren't headed to the same place.

Is that fair of me?  Or ... not...?

I just cannot handle another heartache.

And I doubt anyone will be willing to take on five kids... so I've already resigned myself to the fact that I may just be alone for a long time.  At least until the kids are adults.  (Please see next blog post regarding electrical outlets.)

Tomorrow I leave for my little mini vacation to see/meet T (previously blogged about as New Friend).  When I said in previous post that there had been some mild flirting... uhm... nothing compared to what S has had to say...!!  Goodness!!  However, T seems very sweet and makes me smile often.  I am very excited to see her and meet her finally. 

When I think about someone in my life accepting me and my children, I don't see T though.  And that's okay.  I do see her as being a very good friend for a very long time... I hope that's what she sees too.

This is way harder than I thought it was going to be.  Seriously... what the fuck.  I just wanted to have a little fun. 

Support - the uncomfortable, underwire in your armpit kind...

I recently reconnected with an old friend on Facebook. These reconnections can be good and bad. I usually am very deliberate about who I add to my Friends List. I try to check out their profile, read their wall posts, find out what groups they belong to, etc. It is a little ridiculous. I admit it. I didn't really do that this time. According to Facebook we had one friend in common and this mutual friend is just a gem. Plus I really did enjoy talking with this guy in the past.

What the hell. I hit the "confirm" button and suddenly my inbox is flooded with messages like every five minutes. I wasn't even responding to him. It was like his monologue just random in messages to me. I thought it pretty harmless and was even grateful for some of the information he provided me. For example, I found out that a mutual friend of ours died last year! I had no clue!!

He asked me for medical advice, and I told him that I specialize in more of the "vagina specialty" as I am a midwifery student. I thought we could get a laugh at that. Anyway, when he asked his sports injury question anyway and wanted to know if he could have my phone number... it hit me. Ton of bricks. I'm a fucking idiot.

So I pointed out to him... I'm gay/have a girlfriend/thought you knew.

He tells me, "I didn't know you were gay, but I support any decision you make."

What is that about? I decided to be gay? Thanks for the support. Anyway. I stopped messaging him. He continued to send messages, and this morning I woke up with one that said "I'm not a stalker but here is my cell number." Wow. Not a stalker at all. No way in hell am I giving out my cell number. And goodbye Facebook friend.

Anonymity

I was going to discuss this with my girlfriend before beginning this journey; however, after last night’s huge, dramatic explosion of emotions and vomiting of words I do not think we will be discussing anything blog related… and I am quite certain she no longer calls herself my girlfriend.  More on this topic later.

So, to remain semi-anonymous or not . . . that is the question I’m thinking about right now.  Let’s face it, no one is reading this right now, except MAYBE her and if I gave the blog address to some of my closest friends, at least I would have some readers that would give me some feedback.  However, would that just make me censor my words?  Because then I would be writing “for” them?  And what about when I want to write about more, *ahem* personal aspects of my life… like the pony rides!  LOL!!

All I know is that if feels good to be writing something that is not a graduate school paper.  I don’t give a fuck about my spelling and grammar right now and I can use the word fuck if I want to.  Okay, that’s a small lie… I care a little about my grammar, but I think “fragments” are fine in blog writing.

For now, three people have the blog address.  I am fine with that.  I have to admit there are some super strong women in my life that I would love to invite over here.  Maybe someday I will.