How Children Are Like Dogs (and I think my gf likes them anyway)

Children are like dogs.  Or are dogs like children?  Or are MY children like dogs?  My kids are messy little creatures leaving trails of crumbs everywhere they go.  I have no idea where the crumbs are coming from.  It's like a continuous flow of cracker crumbs... but I never really see them eating crackers.  Nutella sandwiches, yes - crackers, no.  I liken this to dogs shedding their hair everywhere.  Am I correct?

Regardless of their crumb-shedding (and ability to destroy a perfectly staged home in less than 3 minutes), I love them more than than the Skyy Vodka in my high-ball glass.  Here's my motto:  my children mean the world to me, but aren't my world.  Meaning... I have a life outside of mothering them.  It's good for all of us.

My children are like dogs in another way.  

They either like you.  Or.  They.  Don't.

They like S... a lot... and I really, truly believe she likes them.  I mean she just doesn't like spending time with me and they are the bonus feature.  She likes them individually, and knows a bit of each of their personalities already.  It's not just that; she WANTS to know more of them.  And I believe her when she tells me that.  I've been told in the past that a girlfriend wants to "know" my children and I don't think I really believed it in my bones.  I wanted to of course.  I could tell my children didn't really want to know her either.

With S, I've asked the kidlets about spending time with her, referring to her as my new "friend" and they are super enthused about it.  They like her more than me at this point.  Normal.  I get it.  I'm not fun.  I make them do things like push in their chair and brush their teeth, and S takes them to the store and buys them yard toys.  What's not to love? 

I was extremely nervous about introducing them.  But the dogs kids helped reassure me that everything's going to be okay.  I've learned a lot from my kids.  I know I'm supposed to be teaching them super important things... but lately I feel like they are teaching me.

Last night they taught S to play UNO.  I love them.  All. 

Silence

I cried myself to sleep last night.  I haven't done that in a long time.  The part that I hate the most about it is that 3 of my kids were in the bed with me.  

M says, "Are you okay mom?"  Yes, of course I'm okay, but I'm lying there sobbing silently - shaking the whole bed with my tears.

My son says, "Are you sad about Motherless?"  But you know he doesn't really call her that.

I still say nothing, because I think if I talk then they will know that I am crying - as if right now they just think I have the hiccups.

L says, "Do you know why she hates you?"  Yes.  I do.  

What comes next is the most painful of all experiences... my children start to fight about why my oldest, their big sister, hates me.  And I get to lie there and hear all of my offenses... perceived or not... they are listed off one at a time.  Like it's a game.  As if the child who "picks" the right offense first will win a prize.

Then the silent, body wracking tears become loud.  The bedroom gets very quiet.  

I feel M slip her shoulder under my head and I can tell her night shirt is getting very wet with my tears.  My son warps his arm around my neck and kisses my cheek.  I feel L take my hand into hers.  I am surrounded by loving arms, yet I feel so unlovable.  I feel so alone, but there is hardly enough room in my queen sized bed for the four of us.

I can handle being judged for my choices in life, and have dealt with it pretty well.  I never realized that the judgment I felt from my children (or oldest to be precise) is something I am struggling with.  I know it will take time for her to understand (better).  I know this isn't "personal" and that she is an egocentric teenager.  I get it.

It doesn't make the nights any easier.