Fear: Does it motivate you or paralyze you?

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

I find that most of my life has been filled with fear.  'Bullshit,' my friends are thinking.  My friends that read this.  I think that they see me as this totally brave woman.  A fearless woman who just goes out and does instead of sits and says.

If they really knew how afraid I am.  How afraid I've been. 

I think we are all afraid and I really don't feel special in this.

I have looked fear in the face though, and I have used it to motivate me.  But I do admit that there is a lot more that I feel is paralyzing about fear.  There are a lot more fears and anxieties that I have than confidences.  I'm just a really good fucking actress.  Maybe.  Or maybe people really can see right through me.

What would I do if I weren't afraid?  What have I done?

Leave him.  Hurt him.  Admit that there is no other way.  In admitting that I am a lesbian, I could not stay married to him.  For a long time I tried to find ways to leave him without hurting him.  I tried to will him into leaving me, thinking he would hurt less.  I never wanted him to get hurt.  I don't want anyone to hurt.  I was afraid, so I got married.  I was afraid, so I stayed married.  I was afraid, so I got divorced.  Fear was paralyzing and motivating. 

Fall in love.  Not use my body as a tool, as a way to avoid real communications or real relationships.  It's easier to fuck than talk.  It hurts more to be rejected for my thoughts than my body.  Talk.  Listen.  Share.  Even this blog, its' all fear based.  I get afraid.  I get quiet.  I come here and write.  It's bullshit.  To those who've told me it's so brave... bullshit.  It's not.  So... I try to make this as an authentic place as possible.  At least I can do that.  These, my friends, are the truest of my thoughts and feelings that I can share.  This is as close to me as one can really get.  My body is not involved.

Forgive.  Them.  Me.

At one time in my life I was afraid of failing, and that fear did NOT stop me from becoming a nurse.  Again, though, the fear is back.  I don't think it's a fear of failing this time.  I don't know what I am afraid of.  But the fear is there, on the surface and I have two simple choices.  Stay in school.  Quit school.  I really feel like I am meant to be a midwife, or rather, I am a midwife.  But I made choices and now, continuing my education at this point seems questionable. 

I chose myself over the lie of my marriage that was killing me.  I chose loving my kids fully over struggling to fight the resentment that was building daily while parenting them on an empty tank.

What would I do if I weren't afraid?  What have I done?

Play the guitar; Tailor my own clothes; Buy a real camera and learn to use it; Audition for community theater; Interview for a per diem RN job; Return at least one creditor's phone call; Learn how to make sushi; Cut my own hair; Wax my own bikini area;  Apologize; Forgive; Own a pet that I can't just flush down the toilet if it dies; Continue an unplanned pregnancy; Terminate an unplanned pregnancy; Talk without shame about those hard choices; Tell a friend the truth instead of biting my tongue; Write this blog as if no one ever reads it; Let myself cry and not stop; Admit that I am afraid...

There's a lot.  Too much.  So much.  But I have to keep moving forward and I must keep facing my fears.  At the end of the day I want to say, "I did all I could.  I did my best."  Some days, I wonder if that's true, sadly.

Answering Friday's Question: Have I Always Been Gay

I have been enjoying your blog, but i have questions! You can tell me its none of my business and thats cool, but if u want to share, that would be good too. First of all, and i know this is probaly an annoying question, but the only way i can get it is to ask. Have u always been gay, was it something u knew, but decided you couldnt face and thought u could marry and leave behind? Or is it something that u began feeling later? I see so many people marry, have kids, divorce, then come out, but am never sure what that means. I am sure it is different for everyone, but for you, how did it happen? 

~Just Curious

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 Dear Curious,

I actually have been asked this before, and I'm not annoyed that you asked.   I understand the curiosity.  I'll do my best to explain my situation, as best as *I* understand it (but I think I'm still learning too).  I can't answer of course for the other people that you wrote about though.  Each situation is different.

You asked if I've always been gay.  Yes.  I believe I was made this way. (Made perfectly this way!)  Did I always know... well, I didn't know what it was called.  I knew that I really enjoyed what happened with my friend and I during my second grade sleepover; and I fell in love with my best friend when I was 12 and we slept together for almost 2 years... I knew that in high school my heart was always tied to women and girls that I spent my time with.  I did date boys.  But it was more like I did so because I could.  I

I wanted to see if maybe I wasn't dating the right boy.  Or spending the right "time" with the right boy.  In essence I was trying to chose not to be who I really was.  Because when I would go back to spending time with the girls I loved, my heart would be harder and faster, my belly would be tied in knots...  I didn't have the same physiologic reactions like that with the boys.

I fell in love with a woman while dating a man and I was only a kid myself... then found out I was pregnant... and that my lover was leaving.  I told the man I was pregnant and I chose to get married and start a family.

It wasn't horrible.  We were friends.  I loved him.  I thought that the feelings I had for women might go away, or might not... but what I was so certain of at that time... was that I would never be able to act on those feelings again.  I would focus on my family I was raising.  My heart ached for the woman that left my life, and I was afraid to feel that kind of love again.  So I really thought it was better this way.  I never loved my husband like that anyway.  However, the feelings never went away.

Twelve some years and five kids later... (in the middle of all of that, of course, there is a lot I'm leaving out - this is the Digested version) I "decided" I could not live lying to myself anymore.  It was affecting my entire life.  If I hadn't been gay, I might have even gotten divorced anyway, though I might have waited for better timing.  You see, as with any marriage there were extenuating circumstances as well.

So I think that's where "choice" and "deciding" were relevant in my life.  I "chose" to attempt to deny my sexual identity for many years by living as a straight woman in a heterosexual marriage.  I "decided" to live authentically and because I wanted to love myself first and foremost... I began that process by releasing my husband of the lie of our marriage.

It's all so complex.  This is just basically the tip of it.  My truest friends know more and more of me... Some know more about me than even I know.  What is so great, is that this last year... feels like my FIRST YEAR being me.  I feel so brand new.  Being brand new can be fun and exciting... but it can be really super hard and painful.  Being brand new means I make mistakes.  I've hurt people.  I've disappointed others.  Being brand new means I'm growing.

I hope I didn't confuse you more.

Peace,

Elle