I work with women everyday. I'm an obstetrics nurse and all of my coworkers are women. Outside of the security guards and maintenance men that may stop to visit the unit on occasion, my job consists of all women all the time. Next, are my patients. Beautiful, large, filled pregnant patients. Women. My shifts are complete with women - and their partners. Partners are interesting to me - but that's for a different blog, different day. This space is for women, today.
I think I've always loved women. I've always wanted women to love me.
During my years I spent married - pretending - lying - acting - I would form close friendships with women, lots of women. I needed to be close to women. I wanted to go dress shopping with close friends just so I could share a dressing room and be able to admire their bodies. I would want to find ways to be physically close to my friends also, but not physically intimate - I'm not sure if that makes sense. Probably only to anyone else that had to keep a secret like I did for so long.
My mother's group all so much as banished me when I left my husband and came out. Three of the 7 other women in our group even blocked me on Facebook. BLOCKED me. During the years we were friends though, we truly shared so much of ourselves. I was able to get the closeness and the intimacy that I could never attain in my marriage; however, I could never really get close enough.
I can't remember what I learned about first: the female anatomy, the process of birth, or midwifery. Probably the female anatomy, but what came next I'm not sure of. I just know that my love for women, all women of all kinds, has led me to midwifery.
Some don't realize that midwives aren't "just like doctors." We are quite the contrary actually. Some don't realize that we don't just "deliver babies in homes." Midwives are primary care providers... we care for all women in many age groups, any socioeconomic group, healthy and sometimes not. I love healthcare; I love birth; and I love women.
I've also learned to love me, as a woman, and to accept myself, as a woman. I worried for a while, that living (and lying) as a straight woman for so long would inhibit myself in finding love from another woman or in loving myself. I'm on my path though. I love myself as I am and in doing so I can love another for who she is.
It feels good to be me, today. We'll see what tomorrow brings though.
