Today I wrote to an old friend whom I still love quite dearly.
Lately it seems as though I've been editing most of my emotions out of my correspondence with her. I mean ... I have been sharing with her... but it definitely feels like a "watered down" version. I think this is because I was afraid that if she saw the real intensity of my emotions, she might be afraid. Or perhaps I thought that it wouldn't be "fair" to her... to just lay all of those emotions out to her after having NOT communicated for so many months.
I cannot take it anymore. I cannot take the editing.
This morning, without shame, I've been passing emails in the hall, and wearing my heart on my sleeve. Maybe even some of the things I've told her haven't even been nice things for her to hear. I don't really give a fuck. That's where I am at this morning. I am just feeling so hurt, and I'm pouting, and I KNOW that I'm being juvenile.
I know that we are friends though, before we were lovers. And that has to count for something. Right?