Sunday, February 27, 2011

Abdominal Pain

It's back.

The last time I felt like this was a little over a year ago.  In January of 2010 I actually went to the ER and spent a few days in the hospital.

I don't know what else to say, other than I feel like I am complaining a lot.  I feel like she thinks I am just complaining.  I am hearing, "Call the doctor" a lot, but what she doesn't understand is that I've BTDT with the doctor and I just got those bills paid off.  They never did tell me what was wrong with me.  I really don't want to run up more Dr. bills.  (It seems regardless of health insurance status, everything is a quarter of a million dollars to run -  blood work, CT scan, sono, FUCK I even had an ERCP... they found nothing.)

I don't know what the point of this is.  I just feel sick.  No, I don't want to to eat.  No, I don't want to play Sorry Sliders.  No, I don't want to paint anyone's finger nails.  No, I don't want to answer the "Why" question all day long.  I don't want to do anything except curl in a ball.

I'll be honest.  I am afraid.  I'm afraid of what the pain is from.  Afraid I'll always have it.  Afraid I'm going to go into debt again.  Afraid I'm going to live in pain because I don't want to go into debt again.  Afraid she doesn't believe me. 

I know I'm not being rational.


AtYourCervix said...

I feel you. I really do. Going in for another EGD tomorrow morning. xoxo

Asya said...

She believes you! I believe you! I saw you when you had it before. I wish they could find answers for you, but I sorta think they did. IBS can do this right? I just don't know if there are better ways to control it. Maybe I'm wrong, but I wish you would feel better. She believes you!

Rexie said...

I offer sympathy because I know all too well this type of anxiety and fear. I had tummy pain for years. Nondescript agony that moved around and hit me at the least expected moments. Sometimes I would be skipping down the hall at work, in a hurry on a mission, and then BAM! I would double over and hold onto the nearest wall and pray no one would happen by to see my face red and contorted. If they were to ask if I was alright, I wouldn't have been able to answer, the pain was sometimes so severe I couldn't speak, and I had to take very shallow breaths when the worst of the attack was over. Other times, it was just a lingering feeling of malaise. Family and friends got used to hearing me say I wasn't feeling well with a stomach ache. I DID go to the doctor, may doctors, and none ever figured it out. IBS was the most common diagnosis. I did everything they told me to and did not improve. I began to doubt myself, maybe I was creating it somehow. I changed my ob-gyn because my old one wasn't on my insurance plan any longer. Best thing that ever happened. Within twenty minutes of meeting her for the firt time, she suspected endometriosis. I had never heard of that condition. I underwent laproscopic surgery for a pretty severe case. Things got way better after that. My quality of life and my relationships improved. No longer did I curl up in my bed before work wondering how in the hell I was going to get out of bed into the shower, much less make it through the day. I was most glad to know I wasn't a hypochondriac. If you are in pain, there is a reason for it. I hope you are able to justify the cost to seek help. Hugs.

Natalie said...

Fuck, I'm so sorry. I believe you. I believe your pain. I know you're not just complaining. (She does too, but she's probably just as afraid as you and doesn't know what to do about it...judging by how my wife sometimes reacts.)

You don't need to be rational about this. Pain is irrational. But pain is also our body's way of communicating. You know that, and you are clearly incredibly intuitive. You and your body will find the best way through this.

But, I know, for the moment it just sucks. :(

(If you're interested in a referral to someone amazing who can work remotely, let me know (or you can find her on my resource page). She helped me with pain that no doctor could identify or "fix.")

You matter. Your pain matters. You're not complaining. You have a right to be heard and validated and comforted.

MakingSpace said...

Listen to the wise words above. Hugs for you and your tum.

A. said...

as someone who suffered from celiac pain for years before seeing anyone, i understand but...

you need to get yourself to a gastroenterologist even if it is just ibs, there is so much that needs ruled out.

Anonymous said...

New here, but really enjoying your blog. Hope you are feeling better and can get back to writing soon!