Monday, May 30, 2011


10 days left.  That is all that is left until the big day... and there is so much to do.  Too much.

There is like major house cleaning to do.  Major.  I have standing water in my basement and mold.  A lot of each.  I am trying to not even *deal* with that right now... and trying to focus on what I can... like the gazillion of fucking finger prints on every single wall.  Would it be unrealistic to start painting?  Probably.

I am stressed.  Can you tell?  Everyone else can.  How does this translate?  I started to parent S this weekend and she had a tantrum in return.  Full on stressful weekend.  I fell into what I *do* when I am stressed.  I did housework, did the laundry, and I organized shit...  you get the picture.  I noticed that much of the time when I spoke to S, it was with parental undertones.  I winced, "I'm sorry."  She admitted that she also noticed it, but graciously forgave me and pointed out that I don't do it when the kids aren't with us.  Only when I am wearing my mom hat, I s'pose.  Still... I don't think this should be an excuse.

But it was good for us.  It's not all rainbows here at the Love Shack.  There isn't always a pony ride at the end of the day.  But - here we are, still together - working it out.  Still communicating.  Still loving.

We got to yell at each other.  (Well, I didn't really raise my voice.  I don't think I did.  I try not to do that anymore.)  We got to be really mad at each other and walk away - without the fear that the other person was walking away.  We got to cry  and allow each other that space for those tears.  Some of us took longer to stop crying -  I won't say who...

In the end, I think we are stronger.  Because we know that truly, when there are hard times, when we are really feeling our shittiest - the other person is still going to be right there waiting.  I'm not going anywhere.  Neither is she.  Well,  I might like go out back... and she might like go to the basement... but eventually we find each other and ... well... the making up part is definitely worthwhile.

So I guess that is all for tonight.  I haven't felt this exhausted since childbirth (no exaggeration) and I have DVRed a Criminal Minds marathon.  That, in addition to my nicely poured Merlot and a very quiet - kid free home - should make for a perfect ending to a roller coaster weekend.


L said...

I have just been informed that I did in fact raise my voice. I just want the record to be accurate.

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MakingSpace said...

It'll be OK. Best wishes to you both!

Rexie said...

Yikes..just one more corner and you're there! As of this writing, we're looking down the barrel of a week and getting ready to pull the trigger. Just look at you!!! When I started reading this blog, you were in such a different place. I have been privileged to go along for the ride and to watch your transformation. You were determined to get what you now hold in your hands, and you went through Hell and High Water to get it. Remember this in the times of self-doubt. You are a force to be reckoned with and will stop at nothing to get what you want and what you deserve. I am so happy for your happiness, and so grateful you have allowed me to virtually share in it. Showers of Blessings and Joy for a beautiful couple. May you be together when you're old and creaky. xoxo

'Ren said...

Love joy and the totaly best for you and S, always.