Everything's Been Great: . . . and that's bad.

I'm sure some readers "get it."  I finally did a couple of days ago.  Finally.

I'm cycling again.

How exactly is this a bad thing?

• I combined my girls' bedrooms and renovated one of the rooms to make a kick ass office space for myself (with a lot of help from S really).

• I finished an exorbitant amount of course work, including three large exams in two days.   

•  I read 18 chapters of material for a primary care course I am taking - in one sitting - at 2 in the morning.  

• I changed my specialty track in my master's program from nurse midwifery to family nurse practitioner.  I was hesitant to list this as a "result" of a manic episode... but after a long and honest contemplation, I do think that the chemicals in my brain had something to do with me making the switch.  It is a switch that I WANT to do.  But, I may not have had the courage and follow through if I weren't under the influence of the chemicals.  Maybe I'll blog about that.  I am on Spring Break after all.  (Any of my classmates reading this are laughing right now.)

•  I'm up at dawn.  Who needs to sleep?  A few times last week I woke up around 0230 and couldn't fall back to sleep for the life of me.

• Speaking of not needing to sleep -  we can also remove eating from my list of daily requirements.  (Because let's face it, eating and sleeping are just going to slow me down.  Or, I'm just not hungry or tired.  I'm not sure which because I at this point it is really getting hard to keep my thoughts...)

• Increased sex drive - check!

• I am the funniest woman who has walked this planet.  Everyone must drop everything they are doing and listen to my hilarious stories that may or may not have any relevancy whatsoever to a thing that we are doing at the time.  (I hate this part.  It's the most embarrassing.  This part and the food-eating part.)

• I feel like I overspent this week... but it was all stuff we needed for the house.  (I'm not sure we needed two mops.  Even though they were different mops, for different jobs, for different floors.  I don't know.  I can't tell.  Frivolous spending?)  And part of that really large Target bill was my daughter's birthday present.  (See upcoming birthday post next week!!)  Then there was a large Amazon.com purchase that may or may not have been for my upcoming school term.

• Overly sensitive - CHECKCHECK!! We have a puppy now.  A 13 week old standard poodle, baby girl, we have named Andie.  Anyway - S is like a dog trainer/animal whisperer.  I'm not being an asshole, really, she is good at it and so that is her "role" - to basically train up this puppy.  I feel like I am doing NOTHING right with the puppy though.  Every time S tells me what to do with Andie I get defensive.  I feel like crying.  I am now starting to withdraw from even wanting to do anything with the doggie.  Irrational and overly sensitive.  I think there are other examples.  This is all I care to mention at this point.

So next I get to look forward to the crash and burn.  S is leaving in the morning for a trip.  I'll be alone most of the week.  I'm working an all nighter tonight.  I fear I don't know where my emotions are going to be.  Will I be up or down?  I am interviewing with a preceptor for my clinicals early next week.  I really need to be level.

That's all.  Sorry I haven't been blogging.  I've been busy, cleaning, buying pure bred poodles, taking an entire 11 week course's exams in one week, shopping for mops that are JUST RIGHT, organizing the books in my office by very (I mean extremely) specific categories, having afternoon sex (sometimes in the shower and sometimes alone), ordering medical supplies that may or may not be required of me for school (like otoscopes and opthalmoscopes), and basically feeling like I could crawl out of my own skin at any given moment.

I think S loves me now more than ever.

Mothering Motherless (Now and Then)

She came to me, via text of course, about depression... asking if I have it, if I take medication, because... she read somewhere that it can be genetic and well... she thinks she's depressed.  Her exact words, "I have been kinda waiting to be happy for like two years now."

She told me she told her dad and he bought her hot chocolate, and then told her it was because she was a girl and a teen.  She said, "I feel like he doesn't take it seriously."

OMFG.  Is he retarded?

I told her it was serious and how she was feeling is real.  I told her how brave she is and how proud I am of her. It opened up this incredible dialogue between us where I was able to validate her feelings and create a safe place (via text of course) for her to come to about some tough feelings.

Then on Thanksgiving I invited her to our dinner.  She refused.

After dinner, though the other kidlets were on the phone and I couldn't understand who they could be talking to for so long, so I got on the extension and it was Motherless.  I invited her over, "Hey do you want to come over for pumpkin pie?  We are playing cards too."  She said fine.

She was there within 15 minutes.

All of the kids showed her around the house, they all have new rooms (their own rooms).  S and I have the master bedroom.  She wanted to see that.  She wanted to see The Baby's room.  She said it was cute.  She didn't make fun of anything like she usually does.

After cards and pie, S and I were sitting in the living room with a couple of the kidlets watching TV cuddling under a blanket, and we invited her in to watch with us (which she did for a short while).  We started talking about her favorite movie.... drum roll.... Harold and Maude.  OMFG.  It only happens to be one of S's favorite movies, possibly THE favorite one.  I don't know.  Anyway, we all giggled and shared our favorite scenes.

Then, she gets up and says, "Well I'm leaving, bye" and then leaves.  WTF? 

S tells me she is just a teenager.

It's like my heart has a revolving door and she just spins through it.  But that's not really accurate either.  Because she is ALWAYS in my heart.  Cemented there. 

She was very independent as a baby and toddler.  As a baby she never really had "needs"... I swear.  I mean, of course she fussed a little when I needed to change her diaper or feed her, but while I was doing that she smiled and giggled the whole time. 

She entertained herself mostly.  She would unload my laundry baskets full of laundry.  Over and over again.  She would sit in a kitchen sink full of water and bubbles and play with plastic cups.  She would take everything out of my cupboards and climb in.  When her dad would fix things around the house, she would toddle after him and just sit and watch.  Just watch intently.  She got a doll for Christmas when she was 2 and she became a little momma.  And I would sit and watch.  Intently.  She was so loving and caring.

Motherless sucked her thumb.  She was a self soother.  I was told to "break her of that bad habit."  I saw it differently though and I let her learn to sooth herself.  I did not try to "take her thumb away from her" and she did it on her own when she was ready.  At an age I will not disclose here... just in case she ever reads this... I will say, I sucked MY thumb longer than she did.

At bedtimes I would want to read her a story, but I could never do that.  She would take the book away from me and read ME the story.  Some times the words were jibber jabber of 3 year olds and some times the words were the actual text of the book she had memorized.  The song "Jesus Loves Me" still makes me think of those nights and well... I cry.

All of my photos, my family memories of those times, are left behind with my ex with the promise of, "We'll split the photos between us."  It's been a year.  I don't know if it will ever happen.  And the new memories I have with my oldest daughter, my daughter who made me a Mother, are only the saved texts on my iPhone.  And maybe some emails.  Oh and the Facebook messages.

Today, as I reflect on my little girl, then and now, I am very sad. 

Does she know I love her?
Does she know I miss her so much I cannot breath at times?
Does she know how incomplete Thanksgiving was without her?
Does she know how lonely Christmas morning is going to feel when her stocking stays full and her presents remain unopened?
Does she know I am sorry?

I am sorry.