Mothering Motherless (Now and Then)

She came to me, via text of course, about depression... asking if I have it, if I take medication, because... she read somewhere that it can be genetic and well... she thinks she's depressed.  Her exact words, "I have been kinda waiting to be happy for like two years now."

She told me she told her dad and he bought her hot chocolate, and then told her it was because she was a girl and a teen.  She said, "I feel like he doesn't take it seriously."

OMFG.  Is he retarded?

I told her it was serious and how she was feeling is real.  I told her how brave she is and how proud I am of her. It opened up this incredible dialogue between us where I was able to validate her feelings and create a safe place (via text of course) for her to come to about some tough feelings.

Then on Thanksgiving I invited her to our dinner.  She refused.

After dinner, though the other kidlets were on the phone and I couldn't understand who they could be talking to for so long, so I got on the extension and it was Motherless.  I invited her over, "Hey do you want to come over for pumpkin pie?  We are playing cards too."  She said fine.

She was there within 15 minutes.

All of the kids showed her around the house, they all have new rooms (their own rooms).  S and I have the master bedroom.  She wanted to see that.  She wanted to see The Baby's room.  She said it was cute.  She didn't make fun of anything like she usually does.

After cards and pie, S and I were sitting in the living room with a couple of the kidlets watching TV cuddling under a blanket, and we invited her in to watch with us (which she did for a short while).  We started talking about her favorite movie.... drum roll.... Harold and Maude.  OMFG.  It only happens to be one of S's favorite movies, possibly THE favorite one.  I don't know.  Anyway, we all giggled and shared our favorite scenes.

Then, she gets up and says, "Well I'm leaving, bye" and then leaves.  WTF? 

S tells me she is just a teenager.

It's like my heart has a revolving door and she just spins through it.  But that's not really accurate either.  Because she is ALWAYS in my heart.  Cemented there. 

She was very independent as a baby and toddler.  As a baby she never really had "needs"... I swear.  I mean, of course she fussed a little when I needed to change her diaper or feed her, but while I was doing that she smiled and giggled the whole time. 

She entertained herself mostly.  She would unload my laundry baskets full of laundry.  Over and over again.  She would sit in a kitchen sink full of water and bubbles and play with plastic cups.  She would take everything out of my cupboards and climb in.  When her dad would fix things around the house, she would toddle after him and just sit and watch.  Just watch intently.  She got a doll for Christmas when she was 2 and she became a little momma.  And I would sit and watch.  Intently.  She was so loving and caring.

Motherless sucked her thumb.  She was a self soother.  I was told to "break her of that bad habit."  I saw it differently though and I let her learn to sooth herself.  I did not try to "take her thumb away from her" and she did it on her own when she was ready.  At an age I will not disclose here... just in case she ever reads this... I will say, I sucked MY thumb longer than she did.

At bedtimes I would want to read her a story, but I could never do that.  She would take the book away from me and read ME the story.  Some times the words were jibber jabber of 3 year olds and some times the words were the actual text of the book she had memorized.  The song "Jesus Loves Me" still makes me think of those nights and well... I cry.

All of my photos, my family memories of those times, are left behind with my ex with the promise of, "We'll split the photos between us."  It's been a year.  I don't know if it will ever happen.  And the new memories I have with my oldest daughter, my daughter who made me a Mother, are only the saved texts on my iPhone.  And maybe some emails.  Oh and the Facebook messages.

Today, as I reflect on my little girl, then and now, I am very sad. 

Does she know I love her?
Does she know I miss her so much I cannot breath at times?
Does she know how incomplete Thanksgiving was without her?
Does she know how lonely Christmas morning is going to feel when her stocking stays full and her presents remain unopened?
Does she know I am sorry?

I am sorry.

Real Lesbians Wear Dresses Too

Spring is in the air.  Recently I was talking to a friend about how half of my wardrobe still being at my ex-husband's house.  This just happens to be the spring/summer half of the wardrobe.

My sundresses.  My beautiful, lovely sundresses.  Some short, some long, some with halter style ties, some strapless . . . all of them very femme and very sexy.  I will want those back.  Of course the best option would be to be able to purchase new dresses for this season, but let's face it who can afford that?  I can't.  I couldn't even afford to get divorced (and ironically I couldn't afford not to).

My friend said to me, "I bet by the end of summer you aren't wearing any of them."  I assured her I would be.  I love dressing!!  I love bare shoulders in the summer and I love being able to wear the strappy sexy sandals with my dresses.  Yes, it's very femme, but I never claimed to be anything other.

So, by this being my first summer as "out" in my lesbianism... in my sexuality... this will change my wardrobe?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Perhaps for some.  I think I always dressed the way I wanted.  I was the same woman last summer as I am this spring and summer.  Do I carry myself differently?  I think so.  But I think it's an improvement.  And I think the dress will only look better.