Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Press 0 to speak to a sane person.

A day that just kept getting better:  I dropped and then retrieved my iPhone from the TOILET, Click and I tried to look up how to resuscitate it.  Apparently other iPhone users have had near-drowning experiences.  I am not comforted.  I feel sick.  I never realized how fucking connected I am until I have to disconnect.  That bothers me.  Suddenly it was like I didn't know how to live.  All joking aside... what is wrong with me?  I need to be able to check my email constantly?  Really?  Good god.  It's like I can't make it through an afternoon without Twitter tweets and Facebook updates getting pushed right to me through the phone.  WTF IS WRONG WITH ME???  In a simple way, I've let this piece of machinery intrude upon my life in the most intimate way.  I type this because I also thought of my connection to "Her"... my New Friend.  I thought about how much I enjoy being able to look at my phone and see Her name, knowing that She's thought about me at the same time I've thought about Her...

Whatever.

I'm so annoyed with it all. 

****

I went to pick up my kids from school and while I was waiting for the bus, I wanted to know what time it was.  The clock on my CD player in the van needs to be reset... so I reached for my phone.  It wasn't there.  I cannot even fucking tell time without my damn phone?  Really?  Lame.  So I'm sitting there waiting and waiting and waiting... and I realized... I am never alone with myself anymore.  There's a constant influx of tweets, texts, emails, etc., etc., etc., and to just SIT there and WAIT felt so foreign.  I nearly had a panic attack.  I am not exaggerating. 

I'm feeling a bit pathetic tonight, that I've let something like this start to run my life.

Or not.  Maybe it isn't running my life.  I don't know.

So things get worse, I pick up the kids and M and  L (unknowingly) hurt my feelings very badly.  I tried not to, but I cried in front of them on the way home.  

****

Tonight is "pick up" night and my oldest daughter was with my ex when he came to pick up my kids.  She is a photographer, and I get magazines sent here for her.  So I go to give them to her, in her dad's truck... because you know, she won't come in, and she ignores me.  Won't look at me.  Won't talk to me.  Won't acknowledge any part of me.

Now, I realize I am the adult here.  I understand where her pain is coming from, I really do!  But dammit it hurts so much for me too.  I feel so rejected and to be rejected by one's own offspring feels like the ultimate.  For so long now I've wondered and worried about her feeling rejected by me.  DAMMIT.  Who the fuck cares how I feel?  I know I am acting childish.  I'm just hurt.

It feels like I'm in a vacuum.  It hurts so bad I can't breath except for shallow tiny gasps.  It hurts so bad I can barely see past my tears.  It hurts so bad I can't hear anything except for the beating of my own heart inside my head.  My senses are making it so that I'd rather be rendered senseless. 

****

I talk to "Her" tonight and I want to thank her for caring.  In a gentle, quiet way she is responsive to my emotional needs.  

I needed that tonight.  I always take care of everyone else.  If it's not their physical needs (like with my children or patients), it is their emotional needs.  It's the way it's always been for me.  I've been the one my friends have come to for emotional nurturing.  It's okay, I think I gain from it too.  But... but... tonight (or rather lately) I've been feeling so uncared for.  Not uncared ABOUT, but uncared FOR.  I can only give others what I have to give, and I haven't gotten much lately.  I've never noticed myself complaining about it before, and I think it's because I've never in my life been this self aware. 

I'll get back to myself.  I am used to taking care of myself and a million other things and people.  It's what I do, what I've done, and really... honestly... truly... it's what I feel most comfortable with.  I think.  Is it?  Maybe it's just what I've known, but not really what is best for me.  Maybe.


New Friend calls me "lady" and often writes it or texts it.  Previously I was called "baby" and it made my skin crawl.  Perhaps I got used to it, and perhaps I thought it meant the Ex Girl wanted to "take care" of me.  But when I think about it with real honesty in my heart, I never really liked it.
I'm not Her baby.  I'm not Her anything.  It's the little things like that, that make me think about Her with curious wonder... and smile.

3 comments:

mac said...

I know!

What has happened to us?
We can't seem to go more than a few minutes without ur phones.

Remember when we didn't have them? WTF did we do then, I have forgotten? Remember when a phone merely made calls?

That other stuff? I wish I had answers for ya. I just know you must do what you feel is right. If you can, you should be Ok in the long run. It's just tough getting there sometimes :-)

Elle said...

mac, I remember not too long ago telling the AT&T representative, "I just want a phone that does *phone* things!" LOL But... now... I have an iPhone and I'm so attached to her, she has a gender and a name. That's right... a name.

And thank you for your words of encouragement. ;)

tybor said...

I've been so afraid to jump on the smart phone bandwagon for this reason - not to mention how poor I am! But I find myself emailing clients, asking them to text me updates "because I'll be away from my computer" while meeting other clients, and it's really getting to the point that it feels like I should have a phone with email capabilities for this line of work.

UUGGGHHH!!!

Not to mention, having dropped my phone in a toilet a while back, I have no more phone-camera, and that alone seems to be the biggest inconvenience under the sun.

Humans! We are so adaptable... sometimes to our own dismay. So much easier to adapt to new technology than devolve when it breaks.

I can't wait to hear more about your upcoming road trip. I am waiting in so much suspense to hear where you're going! <3