Thursday, May 27, 2010


I am a thief.

My oldest daughter, the one that is now motherless, has a Facebook profile.  Of course I am not on her friend's list, nor do I care to be actually.  I don't think that parents and children should "go there"... anyway... I digress...

I am a thief.

I search for her profile and I look to see if she's added new photos of herself.  She has her privacy settings super stellar, but she changes her profile picture often.  I "save" her picture to my desktop whenever I can.  Just to look at her.

I tried again to talk to her today.  I was on the phone with L and I asked her to put Motherless on.  Of course Motherless refused in a nasty way.  So I decided to ask for The Boy while choking back tears.  While talking to my son I could hear L and Motherless **laughing** at me.

I have been stolen.


I'm Jane said...

This breaks my heart. You're better off not knowing what's on her FB page. Stay strong.

Asya said...

i am sad for you:( I hope that they weren't laughing "at" you and that if they were, motherless is at a rough place right now and L feels like she has to agree with her or motherless will be mad at her. I can't imagine what you are feeling, but I know it must "steal" a piece of your heart each time. I know I have said this are teaching them to be independent women and live their lives to the fullest. You are teaching them that although some decisions are not easy, in fact sometimes feel horrific to make, that as a person you are worth it. You are teaching them to be strong women. There WILL be a day that they will if not appreciate it, at least understand it. I am sorry that it may take years for that to happen. You are loved, motherless loves you even though she cannot admit it right now. She wouldn't be fighting so hard against you if she didn't.

Rexie said...

You are a better mother for being true to yourself. Even if Motherless doesn't understand now or ever. Look at the alternative option. Denying yourself and living a lie just so your daughter can be comfortable. Even if you sacrificed your true identify until she was older, chances are you would have to face this struggle with her at some point. You are a courageous woman, so don't give into the guilt trips and those voices that whisper that you are a terrible mom. This is a learning experience for her. What you are doing does not harm her. This is her choice and her reaction. Always remember that. Big Hug.

AtYourCervix said...