Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Silence

I cried myself to sleep last night.  I haven't done that in a long time.  The part that I hate the most about it is that 3 of my kids were in the bed with me.  

M says, "Are you okay mom?"  Yes, of course I'm okay, but I'm lying there sobbing silently - shaking the whole bed with my tears.

My son says, "Are you sad about Motherless?"  But you know he doesn't really call her that.

I still say nothing, because I think if I talk then they will know that I am crying - as if right now they just think I have the hiccups.

L says, "Do you know why she hates you?"  Yes.  I do.  

What comes next is the most painful of all experiences... my children start to fight about why my oldest, their big sister, hates me.  And I get to lie there and hear all of my offenses... perceived or not... they are listed off one at a time.  Like it's a game.  As if the child who "picks" the right offense first will win a prize.

Then the silent, body wracking tears become loud.  The bedroom gets very quiet.  

I feel M slip her shoulder under my head and I can tell her night shirt is getting very wet with my tears.  My son warps his arm around my neck and kisses my cheek.  I feel L take my hand into hers.  I am surrounded by loving arms, yet I feel so unlovable.  I feel so alone, but there is hardly enough room in my queen sized bed for the four of us.

I can handle being judged for my choices in life, and have dealt with it pretty well.  I never realized that the judgment I felt from my children (or oldest to be precise) is something I am struggling with.  I know it will take time for her to understand (better).  I know this isn't "personal" and that she is an egocentric teenager.  I get it.

It doesn't make the nights any easier.

7 comments:

Asya said...

I'm so sorry you have to be going through this. There is nothing I can say to make it better. But, please know that you are doing all the right things for your kids. You are teaching them so much even though they don't know it. Deep down she loves you, she just doesn't know how to deal with the feelings she is having, so she is rebelling. She also, as you pointed out, is at that stage where everything is all about her. Now that you are able, stay true to yourself-it is the BEST gift you can give anyone esp. yourself.

susan said...

In the short time I've been with you and witnessed you as a parent, I can say I've seen more affection and love from you/for you than I can remember ever receiving in my own life. You are so incredibly lovable and your children absolutely adore you. I see you silently reach out to hold hands and rub backs, acknowledge funny comments, put bandaids on bumps that aren't bleeding, and the list goes on and on. The word NO rarely comes out of your mouth...almost never. I am so impressed by the loving behavior they all have for you and for one another. I am in awe. I really am.
Motherless will someday remember you and remember that love... until then all you can do is continue to love her and wait.

The Gardener said...

Hugs

Momo said...

El,
My parents got divorced when I was 14, which surprisingly didn't bother me that much, but there was about a year where my mom seemed to be perpetually upset, and (this sounds terrible but) I was angry with her because of it. But I think I was upset to realize that she has emotions and fears and flaws just like I do. And at such a fragile, self-conscious stage in life, I think it's hard for a girl to accept that it was better in the long-run for you to disrupt her life which she has worked so hard to keep precisely balanced.
But now I realize that the divorce was completely for the best, and that my mom did something really good for herself, and I admire her bravery. Things will get better, just give it some time.

Raye said...

Elle, you and your children are so beautiful. Try to remember that they are there too and they love you so much. It is so clear and evident. You must have done something right to have such sweet children. My son told me he hated me last night and I spent the night on the couch crying so I feel your pain.

Elle said...

This makes me very glad that I have decided to blog. I feel so heard.

Karen said...

Tears. I hear you.