I cried myself to sleep last night. I haven't done that in a long time. The part that I hate the most about it is that 3 of my kids were in the bed with me.
M says, "Are you okay mom?" Yes, of course I'm okay, but I'm lying there sobbing silently - shaking the whole bed with my tears.
My son says, "Are you sad about Motherless?" But you know he doesn't really call her that.
I still say nothing, because I think if I talk then they will know that I am crying - as if right now they just think I have the hiccups.
L says, "Do you know why she hates you?" Yes. I do.
What comes next is the most painful of all experiences... my children start to fight about why my oldest, their big sister, hates me. And I get to lie there and hear all of my offenses... perceived or not... they are listed off one at a time. Like it's a game. As if the child who "picks" the right offense first will win a prize.
Then the silent, body wracking tears become loud. The bedroom gets very quiet.
I feel M slip her shoulder under my head and I can tell her night shirt is getting very wet with my tears. My son warps his arm around my neck and kisses my cheek. I feel L take my hand into hers. I am surrounded by loving arms, yet I feel so unlovable. I feel so alone, but there is hardly enough room in my queen sized bed for the four of us.
I can handle being judged for my choices in life, and have dealt with it pretty well. I never realized that the judgment I felt from my children (or oldest to be precise) is something I am struggling with. I know it will take time for her to understand (better). I know this isn't "personal" and that she is an egocentric teenager. I get it.
It doesn't make the nights any easier.