Ten days ago S asked again if I would marry her; this time she had a ring. Granted, it was a homemade/woven/dandelion ring, but it was the sweetest ring I've ever been given. It is my favorite ring, though not very practical for a student nurse-midwife. It's more of a... keepsake trinket and it will be kept safe forever.
I accepted. I want to share my life with her, my joys, my children, and I want to be able to have her support in times of struggles, her comfort during painful times, and her love always. We have spent our time together, giving our attention fully in getting to know one another, and while I don't claim to know S inside and out already (and will I ever?) I have to admit that our communication has been so refreshing to me. (Like, actual healthy, ADULT communication.)
After I said ... "yes" to her big question, she did replace her temporary ring, with a more permanent one. A more practical one. ;)
Ten days ago. 8-9-10. It marked our two month anniversary of our first date. You remember, right? The super, inappropriate first date that lasted too many days according to some Rulemaker's schedule. It feels different, though, not like two months into a relationship. And speaking of... how did *this* become a relationship anyway? Everything about her, about us, feels so natural and easy and good. It just fell into place. I have no regrets.
So it seems S and I are talking Wedding Talk. No. Not really. Neither of us are interested in anything at all that resembles a traditional wedding or even... really... a traditional marriage (except maybe for the commitment part). We really just want to share our lives with one another and commit to creating a respectful, sincere, and authentic space for our love to grow and nurture each other and everyone in our family. Do we need a wedding ceremony to do that? Do we need the "right" to marry to do that? Do we need to call this a marriage even? Probably not. And wasn't I like *just* in a marriage not too long ago? Actually, not really. I guess technically and legally, yes... but by our standards, I cannot say that I feel I was legitimately married.
S knows when I've got something on my mind... when something's bothering me, eating at me, or worrying me. This isn't necessarily an exclusive trait of hers, no, others have been able to notice too. What is different with this woman is that when she says to me, "I wish I knew what you were thinking about," I actually tell her what is on my mind. It takes some time for me to do so, but usually by the end of the day I open up to her. She's bringing down my walls.
Recently I was having one of "those" days, one of those pensive days where I felt very small and inside my own head, but my feelings felt too big for my heart.
Her parents. Her family. I know that they don't really know very much about me, about my children, about my LIFE! It was really creating some internal turmoil earlier this week. I totally understand S's hesitation in telling her parents so much about me and my life... I guess... but... Anyway. I finally admitted to myself and then was able to admit to her, I'm not worried so much that they won't accept me, but I don't know how I could ever handle the rejection of anyone in her family not accepting the children. Once I said it aloud to her, it brought me back outside from inside my own head, and she was so good with helping me to feel my feelings really are valid. Sometimes I doubt that.
I looked back through all of the notes I've kept, the email exchanges, etc. I have the very first email I sent her. Today, it has been 101 days of a positively, pure connection that has only grown stronger and stronger! She and I laugh so hard and so often. Mostly at
ourselves each other.
In the words of a couple new friends I've recently made: life is great!
Thanks to all my friends, new and old, for the continued support and love.