Saturday, August 7, 2010

August 6, 2010: (the day S told me she didn't want to marry me...)

I think what S meant to say was "I don't want to get married." However, what she said was, "I don't want to marry you."

You can see the difference, no?  Read it aloud.  Go on...

Hear the difference too?

Stings a little, right?

The things is... we've known all along that the other person, she and I both... neither of us wants to get married... or be married.  Let's face it, I've "been there, done that" and it's really not all that it's cracked up to be.  If we are going to fake marry, that is enter into a domestic partnership on paper to obtain corporate benefits from The Company, it really feels like cheating.  Not cheating The Company, but us.  But on the other hand, if we do the "real thing" and jump the border to a state that would actually "allow" us a have a legally binding marriage (trying not to gag) then, somehow that ALSO feels like we are cheating... on us.

I guess I'll try to explain.

It feels like what we have is a lot stronger, more secure and a hell of a lot more intact than anything a contract could bind together.  I don't know.  I want to try to explain but it's very difficult right now.  I'm super emotional.  I used to think the difference between  not getting married and shacking up was the "have to-s" and the "want to-s."  You know:  doing it because you want to or because you have to.  Yeah.  I'm still not explaining it right.

Okay.  Here, I'll explain another reason I'm so against another ring on my finger.  I was married previously ... and I lost my identity.  I became Mrs Somebody Else.  Something similar happens when you become a mother.  Or it can happen.  If you aren't careful.  You easily become Toddler Tommy's Mother.  I've worked really hard to maintain my own identity outside of the motherhood ring.  When I call the school, I announce myself as Elle @#$%^&$#, not So-and-So's Mother.  However, since I've reclaimed my maiden name... I do have to name drop the kids' last name a bit.

When lesbians get married... how does that work?  Does one woman lose her identity but not the other?  Who becomes the wife?  Because I'm pretty sure ONLY the wife loses her identity in the hetero marriages.  If there are two wives... and we both are going to lose ourselves to the marriage... who in the FUCK wants that?  I don't.  I love S too much for that.  I love myself too much.

Is this where my hesitation lies?  If so... then why, even when I was a young girl, have I always proclaimed I was NEVER going to marry?  Is it because I've always been a lesbian, or a feminist, or both?  Or is it neither?

Here's why I say neither.  All day yesterday S and I laughed our asses off over not "wanting" to marry each other.  I would pretend to turn down a proposal that S never really would make and then S would say, "I don't want to marry you anyway."  Then correct herself with... "I don't want to GET married."  However, on the dining room table is a printout of The Company's Domestic Partner benefit package requirements.

So, after I get to my super suck ass job tonight... and I realize after seeing my super fucking hairy goat ball schedule that there is a minimal chance that I can maintain these hours AND successfully complete grad school... I start to think about the job and why I have it... and then I start to think about The Company and it's enticing benefit package... and I text to S... "Ask me that question again...."

And she doesn't... but rather she gives me a few half dozen or so texts why we won't get married.

And yeah.  That stings.

I guess I'm still just a fucking girl . . . living inside the pages of those stories my grandfather used to read my sister and me.

4 comments: in Karen said...

I'm lost...but I let that happen. I think I made it happen, actually. I created this lost identity. I've been doing that since...wait...Hmmm. Not sure I can count back that far, now that I think on it. Plus, I'm half awake and dreading the day to come. Not a good, positive start to the day, is it?

I don't think that losing your identity is an always in a marriage. I think too that I understand the "cheating" aspect of marrying in the way too many have to do in this damned country.

Maybe life really is as simple as it being what ones makes of it.

Too early for me to be waxing poetic. Yawn. xxxooo

Asya said...

I do get what your saying. I think it takes effort to make sure you keep your identity after marriage. I also have to say that "we" got married for benefits and I think we are happy (we have our issues)and lucky it happened to work out. However, we had no business starting a marriage at that particular time (we weren't ready), but I was in school and he had insurance and I can't go without insurance etc. etc... i also agree that a marriage isn't a piece of paper and it starts way before the ceremony or signing of the paper. BUT...don't give up on the idea of a "marriage" someday in the way off future (or soon if you want) if that is what you end up deciding is right for you. If not, I think you can also have a fabulous, life-fulfilling relationship without the actual marriage. I love you and I love that you are loved!

Bebe said...

You misspelled border.

I see these as separate issues. Get the benefits. I married my second husband for health insurance benefits, not because I was in any hurry to remarry (plus there was that little thing that he was gay). We were best friends and it worked for us. Tax breaks were nice, too. For the love of god, you're getting screwed out of just about everything else cool and tax deductible that "legally" married people get, and you're being denied HUMAN RIGHTS so I say stick it to the man, mutha fucka.

As for a love union of souls, you already have that and you can choose once or in varying intervals of 10 years to say and renew vows to one another in celebration of a love that already exists. But it's not about the wedding and the ring and the vows (that would be my first marriage and boy was THAT a big disappointment afterward). The union either exists or it doesn't. You either live everyday both giving 100% to each other, both always being on one another's side, both cheering for the other's happiness, both always living up to vows you've never uttered, or you don't. Marriage isn't an event. Marriage is work and love is a verb.

And you don't have to know the answer to the second question right now, not totally entirely completely forever to infinity plus one. You have some time to work out the squeaky floor boards or weird way she brushes her teeth or that zippy flingy feeling she gives you that both thrills and and slightly nauseates (in a swallowed a swarm of butterflies way) at the same time. Or whatever.

But on the first question, hell ya. Get the benefits.

RadDyke said...

It's odd, I posted about something similar to a part of this, more about the losing the identity part a week or two ago. I guess marriage has been on everyone's minds a lot....not a particularly constructive comment but hey....