I think what S meant to say was "I don't want to get married." However, what she said was, "I don't want to marry you."
You can see the difference, no? Read it aloud. Go on...
Hear the difference too?
Stings a little, right?
The things is... we've known all along that the other person, she and I both... neither of us wants to get married... or be married. Let's face it, I've "been there, done that" and it's really not all that it's cracked up to be. If we are going to fake marry, that is enter into a domestic partnership on paper to obtain corporate benefits from The Company, it really feels like cheating. Not cheating The Company, but us. But on the other hand, if we do the "real thing" and jump the border to a state that would actually "allow" us a have a legally binding marriage (trying not to gag) then, somehow that ALSO feels like we are cheating... on us.
I guess I'll try to explain.
It feels like what we have is a lot stronger, more secure and a hell of a lot more intact than anything a contract could bind together. I don't know. I want to try to explain but it's very difficult right now. I'm super emotional. I used to think the difference between not getting married and shacking up was the "have to-s" and the "want to-s." You know: doing it because you want to or because you have to. Yeah. I'm still not explaining it right.
Okay. Here, I'll explain another reason I'm so against another ring on my finger. I was married previously ... and I lost my identity. I became Mrs Somebody Else. Something similar happens when you become a mother. Or it can happen. If you aren't careful. You easily become Toddler Tommy's Mother. I've worked really hard to maintain my own identity outside of the motherhood ring. When I call the school, I announce myself as Elle @#$%^&$#, not So-and-So's Mother. However, since I've reclaimed my maiden name... I do have to name drop the kids' last name a bit.
When lesbians get married... how does that work? Does one woman lose her identity but not the other? Who becomes the wife? Because I'm pretty sure ONLY the wife loses her identity in the hetero marriages. If there are two wives... and we both are going to lose ourselves to the marriage... who in the FUCK wants that? I don't. I love S too much for that. I love myself too much.
Is this where my hesitation lies? If so... then why, even when I was a young girl, have I always proclaimed I was NEVER going to marry? Is it because I've always been a lesbian, or a feminist, or both? Or is it neither?
Here's why I say neither. All day yesterday S and I laughed our asses off over not "wanting" to marry each other. I would pretend to turn down a proposal that S never really would make and then S would say, "I don't want to marry you anyway." Then correct herself with... "I don't want to GET married." However, on the dining room table is a printout of The Company's Domestic Partner benefit package requirements.
So, after I get to my super suck ass job tonight... and I realize after seeing my super fucking hairy goat ball schedule that there is a minimal chance that I can maintain these hours AND successfully complete grad school... I start to think about the job and why I have it... and then I start to think about The Company and it's enticing benefit package... and I text to S... "Ask me that question again...."
And she doesn't... but rather she gives me a few half dozen or so texts why we won't get married.
And yeah. That stings.
I guess I'm still just a fucking girl . . . living inside the pages of those stories my grandfather used to read my sister and me.