Wednesday, November 17, 2010

My Dirty Little Secret

I have a mental illness.  If I don't take medication, it's debilitating; however, because I take my pills, like a good girl, I get to be a part of society ... and trust me... when I am medicated you can't tell that I have a mental illness.  A mental illness that I would do almost anything  NOT TO HAVE.

  • I seem pretty put together.  I'm a fucking wreck.  The other day I couldn't be left alone because I was afraid of what I wanted to do to myself.  I took S into the bathroom and I told her, "I can't be around people right now, but I don't want to be left alone."  We had two hours left with the kids and she knew just what to do.

  • I appear self confident.  I think others are talking about me sometimes... when clearly, they aren't.  I'm paranoid.  It's part of it.  I apologize too much.  Sometimes this means I don't talk at parties or social events, even if I *am* properly taking my little pills... and sometimes this means that others can perceive me as snobbish or rude or bitchy.  I am just not so self confident.


  • I starve myself so that I cannot feel anything.  Somehow I forget to eat.  Somehow I know I'm supposed to eat, like, "Hey Elle do you want to have breakfast now?" I say, "Sure..." then I get going in a million other directions at the same time.  I starve myself because I don't think I deserve to eat.  

  • And let's talk about deserving... I don't deserve my pills, so I don't buy them.  Which is why I'm in the spot I'm in right now.  Nearly immobilized with panic, on the crash pad couch, tears streaming down my face... waiting for S to return so I can feel safe again.  I feel so fucking stupid.  I know better.  I fucking KNOW better.


  • I worry about when S will realize that I am not good enough for her.  Good enough.  Good enough.  Good enough.   I have a good enough syndrome.  And it's getting fucking old.  I'm sick of it.  What if S gets sick of it?  What if she can't handle me?  What if she can't handle this shit?  It's not easy having a girlfriend wife who cannot even drive herself to the goddamn shrink's office.  It's not easy loving someone who crumbles to tears because she cannot figure out the new prescription benefits on the new insurance plan.

  • I have cut myself to make myself feel something.  I have a hard time seeing that in writing.  But there it is.  I write it because I know some woman might be reading this, and she may cut herself too, in order to "feel"... and well... I don't want her to feel alone.  I think it's the same reason why sometimes I HAVE to HAVE "fuckmetakemeharderlikethatfuckmelikeyoumeanit" sex.  Because I need to feel.  I need to feel human.  I need to feel inside my body.  When I have sex like that, though, I can feel another person close to me... at least...

To my friends who are reading this... if I have friends who are reading this... I am safe tonight.  S knows how I'm feeling.  We are communicating, always, openly, lovingly, and honestly.

I just need people to know.  I have a Dirty Little Secret.  Mental illness should not be a dirty secret.  I take medication.  When I don't, I get sick.  I'm sick.  Right now, I feel pretty sick actually.  I am embarrassed that S is seeing me this "sick."

We got married again tonight.  We "marry" each other every time we have a talk about our love, our plans for the future, and our promises for commitment.  Tonight, I reminded her that we are both in this for the long haul.  Not just for the happy, feel good times.  But for the "in sickness" times too.  All I really ask of her... all I really want... is to be able to count on her.  I want to be safe.

10 comments:

RadDyke said...

I understand. Xo

Rexie said...

Hi. I am reading this and I hope you consider me a friend even if we've never met. Thank you for being brave enough to put this out there. After reading this, I think you are more awesome than I did before knowing this. I mean it. You are awesome.

susan said...

Elle,
My love. My true love. In sickness too. We will keep each other safe always. ~S

Starla said...

I've had many of the same feelings myself.

Asya said...

I will not say "I know what you are going through"-I don't. Again, I wish you didn't have to go through it. I admit I go through some of my own things and I know it is easy to tell others this; You are so loved, I can see it in the way you are living with S. I can tell she loves you more than words could ever describe. I also love you. I think it is good you are writing about it. That's a start. I hope you know I am always a phone call away and if S is gone and you are here, I'm all but a 10 minute drive. You are loved, now you need to love yourself.

Lisa G said...

You are enough.
You are enough.
You are enough.
You are enough.
You are enough.
You are enough.
You are enough.
You are enough.
You are enough.
You are enough.
You are enough.
You are enough.
You are enough.
You are enough.
You are enough.

Love you.

Bebe said...

E, I'm sorry that I could only text while in therapy and later when having my hair done. I could smell your panic and I was hoping so much that S was there to help. It's weird. S is the one who will give you the lists now. First do A. Okay, now B. After B, do C. And you will get better. She will know the drill. It's bittersweet for me, because you are my best friend/daughter/self and we've done pretty well helping each other over the years. You saved my life too, you know. But I trust Zoos. And love her, because how could you not, but also because I know she has you. I can relax more here these 2,000 miles away, because Zoosie has you. And I know she's the practical, do A, then B kind of person, to help you get there. That's what every mentally ill person needs in their loves and lives. And you have it and deserve it. If you think about me, do you think I deserve the complete adoration and unconditional love that Chuck gives me? Am I worth that? The demands I have to make sometimes? I know what you would say and so do you (and so does Chuck). Pretty soon, Zoosie will know what to say to Chuck, lol. Anyway, I love you, I'm sorry my schedule has been shit. I will say I've never actively texted in therapy before, but I just put a hand up and said "it's Ellen, she's off her meds" and my therapist nodded and sipped her tea. She loves you too because you love me and keep me safe too.

Lastly, my psychiatrist (best EVER) told me to tell my GP that, in the end, we're ALL psyche patients. I loved that.

Arica said...

you are not alone with this. you are an inspiration to me even though you don't know me

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