Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Afraid

There I said (typed?) it.

I just opened the syllabi for my classes for the next term.  Winter term 2011.  It hasn't even really began yet.  I still have two more weeks of "break" yet.  After pouring over the course instructions and the module readings (not to mention in one course the instructor was kind enough to make a checklist for us ... to keep us on track... this is a 5 page Word doc) I will admit I am afraid.  

I am still feeling foggy brained at times and disorganized.  Online learning is a lot harder than traditional learning from my experience.  I'm already feeling overwhelmed.  The one thing I feel good about is S's support.  She's very good at that.  
Also, I've got my resume out to 2 different facilities.  I need more steady income.  I won't let financial stress affect my health again.  I'm already getting that burning in the pit of my stomach feeling once in awhile.  I haven't felt that in almost a year.  And I'm afraid.

So I'm trying to let this fear be a motivator.  

Why does everyone think that if I am a nurse... I'm assured a job anywhere and at anytime?  Where is this fucking nursing shortage at?  If I hear one more time, "Oh you're a nurse... you can go anywhere and do anything with that degree" I just might snap.  Because right now I feel pretty worthless and penniless.

Anyway... venting.  And now my stomach's doing that burning thingy again... so this may not have been the right outlet.


9 comments:

Alicia said...

I survived and you will too.

AtYourCervix said...

Ditto.

Just keep on track with the reading assignments for pharm. You'll feel like you're struggling (I know I had definite moments of that feeling!) but you'll survive.

hugs xoxoxo

Asya said...

Take a deep breath. You are already a midwife, you just have to finish the steps to get the degree. Believe me, this time will fly and then you will be done. You have encountered much more difficult things the past 1 1/2 yrs.Call me if you need help at all! Susie will be great for you and when she is flying and you need a kick in the butt or an encouraging word, you know how to reach me.

Elle said...

@ Alicia... I have no idea how you do all that you do. You amaze me continuously. You are truly an inspiration. Thank you for having faith in me too. Even when I'm feeling ... hopeless.

@ AYC... It helps to know that I have you to call upon and ask things like, "Am I crazy or..." or "Am I making this harder than it is..." or "How many days CAN I go without pooping?" You're a great friend.

@ Asya... Always my cheerleader! You must get tired of that. You are absolutely right though... I've been through harder things. Thanks for the reminder. And the cheer. Again. And again. And again.... xoxoxoxoxoxo

Alicia said...

:) Let's just say no one is allowed to visit my house (might qualify as a national disaster area)... just like AYC I had times I really felt like I was struggling but toughed it out and you will too

AtYourCervix said...

Like Alicia, my house is also quite the disaster area. You know how to get ahold of me if you need a pep talk to make your way through your classes. Or if you have BM questions ;-)

Angela said...

There is no doubt in my mind that you will survive this semester (and all the others to come). Remember that this is your dream and your passion in this life. Think of all the countless women and their families that will be fortunate to have YOU as their midwife. Don't be afraid. You have this Ellen!

Elle said...

Thank you everyone. One class, one term at a time. I can't get ahead of myself.

PhoenixOrion said...

Online (accelerated) learning is HARD! With the extra reading/lecture pp alone, it demands more time than most working people have to spare. Don't fret, though. You are NOT alone in your efforts. We are all behind you, Elle! All you have to do is call/write/chat for that extra support if need be.