Saturday, December 25, 2010

No More Pony Rides

My apologies.  I sort of dropped off there didn't I?  The last week of my school term proved to be rather stressful.  But, it was all worth it.  A's again.  And I actually kind of enjoyed my last assignment (a paper) in one of my classes.  I thought I would get straight away to blogging again... but... well... my house, kids, and S all needed some attention.  Plus, I had the opportunity to travel out of state to meet S's parents (The Duo) and spend a little time with my BFF Jess.  I can blog about all that later, I s'pose.

I've felt very pensive lately.  Had quite a few talks with S about this.  And many times she's encouraged me to blog, to write.

She knows how important writing is to me.  She knows that without writing in my life I would not be able to sleep well.  Writing is like the same as breathing air.  I don't even think about it.  I just do.  Well... I do think about it.  And that's where my problem has been the last month.

People Clutter.  People Clutter is hiding my work.  I'll try to explain:

I've had some opportunities where I've felt some boundaries were blurred in personal relationships - friendships - and I've done enough work and value my relationships enough to want to keep these boundaries clear.  My first instinct, of course is to write.  Like many would want to take a deep breath, I want to go to my keyboard and write.  Get it out.  Purge it... and then it sorts itself out.

But, I feel so choked up here on this blog.  I started this blog with the intent to be able to write as if no one were reading my words; that way I would be able to write as honestly and as uncensored as possible.  In order to do this I had initially decided to be as anonymous as possible.  But the ex girlfriend found out about it... then a schoolmate... and of course a couple BFFs... and I'm not sure how I told my sister, but she reads... and then of course my partner S reads....then through those wonderful trackers out there I found an entire slew of people reading that don't know that I know they are reading.  Oh and that guy from where I used to work...

I digress...

After awhile anonymity didn't really seem that important to me.  I felt like I was still able to write as if no one were reading (i.e. uncensored), and I still felt like I was breathing.

I don't know when I stopped breathing.

But I think all of these people are really just clutter that is choking the air out of me.  Maybe I'm just being a little dramatic.

Don't ask S her opinion about my melodrama.

Of course I was discussing this with my friend (or maybe a few friends, shhhhh!)... and I have decided I have a few options here.  I can stop blogging here, on Rainbows and Pony Rides.  I can move to another site (I've been wanting to go to WordPress anyway) and take caution to use extreme anonymity... with exception to S.  I feel completely comfortable with her reading my writing and often I need her to read something before I hit "publish" anyway.  Most of you won't get the forwarding address.

I can keep this blog for just fucking around and use an "old school journal" with a fancy pen (of course) for when I need to really breath.... I mean write.  I don't know how much I like this idea.  Part of the process for me is the keyboard.  Is that stupid?  Part of the process for me is actually having it in print.  Part of the process is having OTHER people read my story and take something from it.  I need that.  So I like this idea least.  I think. 

I think the last option I have is to continue, as I am... but just be brave.  And when I start to feel the People Clutter choke the air out of me... that's when I need to push myself through it... and just come up for air.

What do you all think?  Anyone... any ideas?

Because I'd really like to get to writing about some shit that's gone down this month.


RadDyke said...

I think that one's totally your call...if the people clutter is making you feel threatened, maybe it's time to do something about it. If it's just making you feel cluttered, maybe there's a little bit of a way to clean (read: ignore the ones you don't really know?).

As for boundaries (giant metaphor coming....), if state lines don't work because they're invisible, move to fences. They're delicate enough that if needed, someone can get over them, but they also pose a physical KEEP OUT. And if fences don't work for specific people, maybe they need a wall.

MakingSpace said...

Hiya, thanks for your comments on my blog and I'm gonna add to your people clutter by putting you on my blogroll now! Merry Christmas, eh? LOL

Here's what I do: I have one blog that is completely private. Anytime I have something I want to write that I don't want to share publicly (or might want to rework to share publicly later but I'm not sure about it yet), I post to the private blog. I'm the only one who can see it. It's all purty with graphics and stuff too, but I make its so I'm the only person who has access of any kind.

So that way if I get the ya-yas about posting something heavy in public, I have a place. I'm with you, I do much better with a keyboard and a screen than with pen and paper. Go figure.

Merry Christmas!

Elle said...

@ RadDyke... I don't really feel threatened, not yet... it's more like I find myself wondering "who is going to think what" or something like that.

And nice metaphor. Sweet.

@ MakingSpace... I love your blog. Did you really add me to your blogroll?! Pretty cool. Thanks.

Yeah, I used to have a second, private blog. And I deleted it. Nice suggestion. I think I might work with that suggestion and do an alteration of it...

I don't know.

Thanks for commenting. Means a lot.

A. said...

speaking as someone who has no idea who you are really
beyond a mom and a future midwife (which is so very cool, i had three babies with midwives- you guys totally rock)
i think in that case, anonymity is working. but i know how you feel too- i have had other blogs i've simply run off from because of similar feelings.
I tell myself this one will be different - and i wont run off when (and it always happens) real life meets blog world. we'll see.

for you- its whatever makes you feel comfortable. i do find your posts inspiring, as i can relate to them in some ways
i guess the question is- what is the blog for?

Rexie said...

I can totally understand you feeling like some of your readers are familiar enough to exclude your anonymity. I believe there is a lot of power in publishing your emotions. It's better than screaming at the wall because you are unable to, for whatever reason, get fully in the face of whoever is bugging the crap out of you. Even though I'd miss reading about your adventures, I think starting the new year fresh with a brand new blog is a wonderful and freeing idea. Go for it and let 'er rip! It's less expensive and easier on the hands than joining a boxing gym to beat the stuffing out of a bag. Happy New Year my dear. You so earned it!

Momo said...

I totally understand the feeling.

I know this will treat a symptom and not the cause, but there is a way to password protect a post. If only for a few days until you decide if you want everyone to be able to see it. That way you can write while you feel inspired (or angry or upset) and then have a chance to reread it when you're more levelheaded.

Almost 40 said...

Hi sugar - you gotta do what's best for you. And if it's going to cause you some stress/anxiety/pain/etc... go to plan B.

But, know that I appreciate you and I think you're a brilliant writer. And, I would feel super lucky if I get to keep reading!



P.S. When will we see you guys???? I have cookies!