Friday, May 13, 2011

This Shit's Gettin' Hard (jumbled up blog post about it all)

...and I love it.  I truly do.

I'm referring to my course work in grad school.  It's becoming increasingly more challenging.  My instructors are inspiring me to think and feel.  This is starting to become more than just completing assignments and "getting the right answers."  I actually want to KNOW the right answers.

Fuck.  I just looked at where I left off in this blog and there is so much catching up to do that I am not going to do it.  I'm just going to throw out some random thoughts that have been making me itch in a creative "I want to write about that" kind of way... so this will be a blog-soup sort of post where none of it will really be full complete thoughts.  Catch my drift...?

Went out with co-workers last night.  It was great.  I realized a few things last night and this week:

  • Everyone doesn't hate me.
  • More people who I know in real life (meaning co-workers) read this blog than I thought.  This made me nervous.  But, I also felt good.  Like, oh they are reading it and still like me.  (See previous point.)
  • It isn't just me who has noticed the difference in myself since I've been able to really be who I am since coming out.  They have too.  And I feel like this experience (knowing me pre and post coming out) has been able to show others what it's like to live a lie... miserable... and then be able to live free and authentic... incredible!
This week was also sorta kinda like a big deal for me.  I found out that a person in a supervisory role, someone who is my direct supervisor to be exact, was behaving in a way at my workplace that was in absolute violation of state (and federal - in a way) laws which protect me from discrimination due to my sexual orientation.  When I asked my coworkers who were present at the time of this violation if this allegation were true, they said, "Absolutely." and "It was horrible."  and other things.  

Well... except for one person.  She said, "I didn't think it was that bad... she just said..." 

.... and I was back at that place all over again.  Hearing those words all over again.  

How many times did it happen?  Was there penetration?  Did you say no?  It wasn't that bad...

Of course I didn't realize I was in that place.  When I found out what went on I was driving; I had to pull over.  I immediately drove home, threw a mini blazer over my sundress, and took off again to demand request a meeting with HR department at my place of employment.  

En route I phoned Bebe.  Another sexual abuse survivor.  But I didn't see that then.  I phoned her because I wanted to talk law.  In addition to being one of my very best friends, she is my sister, my mother, doctor, and my lawyer.  I needed to talk law.  MmmmHmm.  Okay.

I also had time to phone my actual mother.  I told her, "I just need to talk to you because you always make me feel stronger when I need to stick up for myself."  MmmmHmm.  Interesting.

I wanted to bring the spirits of these women with me.  Bebe who defends me today - fiercely and loyally.  And my mom who I felt didn't defend me then - but tries to now, wants to now.

So... very interesting developments, I think.  Now that I look back at what that stupid supervisor bitch's effects caused.  Let's recap:
  • I know for certain my coworkers like me, they really like me (think Sally Field acceptance speech).
  • I came out, again, this time to administration, VP of the HR department, and it felt pretty good.
  • I got to "do the work" my weirdo therapist kept talking about in those leather chairs I blogged about a while back.
  • I didn't need Bebe or my mom.  I didn't it all myself.
Moving on...
The Motherless Situation has been amazing.  We share conversations that literally make me cry - good tears.  I am so proud OF HER.  Not proud to be her mama.  I think there is a distinct difference.  This has nothing to do with me.  I take no credit.  She is just an incredible young person with a tender heart and an old soul.  There was a little trouble on Easter Sunday.  S and my ex husband had strong words at a loud volume (nice way of putting it, eh?) and it was over S requesting that he have the children wear helmets when they ride on the back of his motorcylce.  Currently in the state we live in, there is no law that requires that.

He went from 0 to 100 in a manner of seconds.  Yelling, "Who the *(&^*& do you think you are?"  It was terrible.  She (and I) just simply want the kids to be safe.  It scares me.  He was there to pick up Motherless (who slept over all weekend -- woot woot!!) and he had the Harley, no helmet for her.  BARF.

It was all quite dramatic.  As you can imagine.  Essentially, she left in tears, barely speaking to either one of us, and S was less hopeful than I that things were going to be reparable I think.  For an instant, I'll admit, I had that sinking feeling, "I lost her again."  But I didn't let myself think that for long.  I just reminded her how much I loved her and want the best for her always.  And I told her S loves her too.

She needs to know she is loved here.

Officer S.  Don't Fuck with her.  Put your dishes away.

I can't blog about the wedding.  I'm almost sick of it and it hasn't even happened yet.  Is that normal?  I want to get married!  I do!!!  But... I'm just so DONE with planning and organizing it all... for fuck's sake...
We are writing our own vows and I want to make mine really kind of funny... but then tear inducing sweet and the end.  I am secretly afraid no one will "get" my humor though.


L said...

Weird... I lost a whole paragraph about how things are ok still with Motherless and she is still communicating with BOTH S and I still. But S is convinced that the other kids all hate her because she is "hard on them." Yeah. Because she expects them to take showers, put their dishes away, and chew with their mouths closed... Basically not be pigs.

So... I'm pretty sure they just hate having 2 moms 4 or 3 days a week... and then going to their dad's house and having no mom at all.

Also I think they take turns hating us.

Bottom line - of the two of us - S is definitely "bad cop."

Anonymous said...

I love reading about you two together it really warms my heart to see you so happy! I always catch myself sitting here reading and smiling and feeling like I'm a part of your lives for a little bit lol...


Rexie said...

Wow. Whirlwind. I am happy to see that you are living life to the fullest. Ups, downs, ins, outs, unders, overs. I am proud of you for sticking up for yourself at work. Sorry that it caused the bucket of memory goo to be poured over you. Just think of it as a rewrite. This time you are not a victim and even though you can't change what happened years ago, you can change your response to it through this experience. Yay you! You have a lot on your plate right now. Your ex got angry because S was right about the helmet and he just ended up looking like a bad dad who doesn't care about the kid's heads. She showed him up in that department and it's undeniable. Anyone with a brain can see the reason for it. He's mad at himself mostly and it hurt his male ego. I hope he sees the sense and brings a helmet next time. Don't worry about anyone other than S "getting" your humor. She'll get it because she gets you and she's the one you're writing the vows for so let 'er rip!

Asya said...

I'm glad you stuck up for yourself at work also. I am also glad that some others realized it was wrong and supported you. I am deeply sorry of the memory trigger! You are much stronger today than when I met you and I am so proud of you!