Saturday, July 23, 2011

I Miss Her. (fucking-cheap-merlot)

There is this woman from my past.  No - not a lover.  I guess the best way to describe her would be to say she's an Other Mother... but today I don't even know who those Other Mothers are anymore.  When I started writing about them I thought I knew, and now... now... I realize I know about as much about them as I let them know about me.

We were friends once, this other woman and I.  We shared ghost stories over coffee on her back patio while her older child played in the sand box and the little one napped.  Her husband was away on business.  She had a hard time believing that I saw the same ghosts she saw.  But I did.  I lived to to tell my story of survival...  

I am sure she saw my marriage, and my family of five smiling children's faces, as part of this survival-success-story.  And I am sure that when she learned that my marriage was over and that I was an adulteress and that I was also a lesbian adulteress... well... no... I am not sure ... but I can only imagine she felt betrayed.

And when I came out of the closet, so did all of my skeletons.  I didn't try to hide anything.  Not anymore.  I had lived a lie, lying to too many people for too long.  

She fell off the face of My Earth.  Yes there were "words" between us.  I don't remember them to be harsh or anything I regret, but I don't remember them exactly.  

And then she was gone.

And now she is back.

Not really back in the way that we are having coffee on her patio... but... she has emailed me a few times, and I found out she had another baby.  

And I cried.  Real tears of joy for her.  I knew she was afraid that her ghosts would keep her from having another baby.  She won.  

I saw pictures of her kids.  And I cried.  Because they are beautiful, happy souls.  Because I am happy.  

I'm crying right now.  Fucking cheap Merlot.


Anyway.  

People are brought into our lives for a reason.  Everytime I open my email and I see this woman has emailed me, my heart is in my throat.  Fuck.  I miss her.  I miss all of them.  Most of them.  I think I miss the Mommyhood.  I miss being with Other Mothers.  That's the head of the nail right there.  

If you are reading this, and you aren't a parent yet... here is a secret:  parenting is hard. I know you THINK you know that... but ... did you know that it is so hard that there are days when you may wonder if you are supposed to be a mother.  

There are times that mothering is so hard that you think you want to get in your vehicle and drive - buy a wig/box of color - and change your name.  

There are times that mothering will affect your relationship/marriage/sex life - not for the best.

There is shit... excuse me... there are secrets that the Other Mothers aren't telling you.  It's not their fault.  No one talks about it.  
Except me.  

Maybe someday I'll write a book.  But first, my classmate D is encouraging me to finish grad school to pay off the student loans at least.  Makes sense.

3 comments:

Asya said...

You had so much going on in your life at this time you are describing that you needed all your attention to focus on you and your family. Friends accept and understand that. Also, everyone deals with change differently...some embraced it instantly being excited that you were freeing yourself and others were confused or whatever they were. Regardless, I am glad you are beginning to make contact with an old friend.

Lovesbeingamomma said...

I get it. I often feel like just leaving them behind & starting anew as a single soul. I never tell anyone that. I just joke about how if he gets run over by a car well maybe finally he'll know WHY I keep telling him to stay out of the road. He is 4. He escapes the house daily while I am still asleep & Daddy is at work. And still he is the love of my like, I waited so long for him. He amuses me & scares me with his intellegence & imagination. The other one is too small yet to tell. May I survive the oldest first. I am an "other mother" if you ever want to get together. But don't tell my son. He's seen the movie Coraline, he doesn't want an other mother "They have button eyes, I want real eyes."

Didn't mean to be so long. I just wanted to let you know that there are others who share the shit too.

Raye said...

you are so fucking brilliant... I love when I get time to read your blog. I miss you.