What are you afraid of? I am afraid of being swallowed whole. Not by a tiger or by a whale, but by a relationship. I've already almost been there and escaped! It took many years, but I broke free from a "very wrong" marriage that almost swallowed me whole.
What does this mean, to be swallowed whole? I guess it's like losing my entire self. Just becoming whoever the other person wants or needs or expects me to be. Allowing myself to be swallowed is the worst feeling in the world, because I know it's happening but I don't feel like there is any other way out. The entire time I am thinking that it's not really happening.
Recently I was told that my every thought should be shared with my partner, and I had such a difficult time with that. I couldn't do it. It felt like I was entering that place again where I would lose myself all over again. Ironically, it pushed me further into closing down. How much more ironic is it that now I am telling the entire world my thoughts? (Entire world? Okay, three readers! LOL)
My point is that do relationships really require one or both parties to become swallowed up whole? Is it really necessary to lose one's self? Or is it *me*? Am I defunct in some manner that will not allow me to share my every thought with my partner, no matter how in love and how close I've become with her?
I wonder if it was living so many years straight and married in a very dysfunctional marriage that has pushed me into this logic. Or is it her logic that is dysfunctional?
All I know is that no amount of love and passion, and believe me our relationship certainly had quantities and quantities of both, can fix this. Mainly because I don't necessarily think I need to be fixed. I don't think she thinks she needs to be fixed either.
When I was married I felt so fragmented - that there were parts of me everywhere that could never be put together and that I would never be whole again. After my divorce, it took some time, but I am feeling whole finally. I spent so much time learning who this woman is, learning who *I* am, that I feel like I have to fight to keep her whole. I actually get a physiologic response when I think about this.
I'm just not ready yet...