Monday, April 26, 2010

Swallowed Whole

What are you afraid of? I am afraid of being swallowed whole. Not by a tiger or by a whale, but by a relationship. I've already almost been there and escaped! It took many years, but I broke free from a "very wrong" marriage that almost swallowed me whole.

What does this mean, to be swallowed whole? I guess it's like losing my entire self. Just becoming whoever the other person wants or needs or expects me to be. Allowing myself to be swallowed is the worst feeling in the world, because I know it's happening but I don't feel like there is any other way out. The entire time I am thinking that it's not really happening.

Recently I was told that my every thought should be shared with my partner, and I had such a difficult time with that. I couldn't do it. It felt like I was entering that place again where I would lose myself all over again. Ironically, it pushed me further into closing down. How much more ironic is it that now I am telling the entire world my thoughts? (Entire world? Okay, three readers! LOL)

My point is that do relationships really require one or both parties to become swallowed up whole? Is it really necessary to lose one's self? Or is it *me*? Am I defunct in some manner that will not allow me to share my every thought with my partner, no matter how in love and how close I've become with her?

I wonder if it was living so many years straight and married in a very dysfunctional marriage that has pushed me into this logic. Or is it her logic that is dysfunctional?

All I know is that no amount of love and passion, and believe me our relationship certainly had quantities and quantities of both, can fix this. Mainly because I don't necessarily think I need to be fixed. I don't think she thinks she needs to be fixed either.

When I was married I felt so fragmented - that there were parts of me everywhere that could never be put together and that I would never be whole again. After my divorce, it took some time, but I am feeling whole finally. I spent so much time learning who this woman is, learning who *I* am, that I feel like I have to fight to keep her whole. I actually get a physiologic response when I think about this.

I'm just not ready yet...

7 comments:

Candice said...

I've been "swallowed whole" before, and it took a long time for me to be comfortable to even be ME with anyone again.

I suspect you'll get there with time.

However, I also think you deserve to have thoughts and feelings that are all your own as well. It's only natural.

AtYourCervix said...

Totally agree with what Candice said (above). You need the freedom to be YOU. To express yourself as you see fit - whether you share things with your partner, or your blog, or....whatever/whoever you see fit!

Asya said...

I agree with them both. It is not necessary to have to share your every thought with your partner in order to have a loving, fulfilling relationship. In fact, I personally believe we need to keep some things to ourselves in order to remain an individual.

Monica said...

I absolutely don't think you need to share everthing with your partner. I think that women are frequently told to create such dependencies, when men aren't. At the end of day, each of us has our own life, and that experience/understanding/feeling is unique and personal, and should not be subsumed by another person. I don't know who gave you that advice, but I disagree. And, I would not want to share all my thoughts (nor would my husband want to hear them).

JP said...

I've experienced that too... I had no "person" outside of being the spouse to Mrs Ryan...

I'm slowly trying to be myself... but first I have to figure out who that is.

Congratulations to you for feeling whole...

Ivy and Haley said...

I am the last person to be qualified to give relationship advice, but it seems to me that with the right person it would feel like a gain not a loss.

come visit me.
http://ivyandhaley.blogspot.com

Ivy

Anonymous said...

elle my dear --- this is just my opinion, but... the only times i've been in that kind of relationships, it's been like quicksand. anxiety-inducing, panicked mud... and not just sucking me in, but drowning me inside as well. it was short - but breaking free (and breaking free of the lingering guilt) was the most wonderful feeling of liberation. it took a long time and a lot of looking back at the tempting quicksand bed --- because it was good looking, and yummy (like smooth, creamy fudge - only a man... but for your purposes pretend it's a her!) and so *easy* --- but each step away was a little lighter than the one before.

you need to find you... and i love who elle is, and what you have to say, and what *you* love. even if you want to keep it to yourself.