I realized last night, through an email exchange with a woman that I've been in contact with for about a month now, that I may never be able to open my heart again.
Let's call her S. I have started to "like" S more and more... our emails have gotten more personal than just the casual and humorous exchanges we had began our relationship with. We have started to really share some things from our past... and some important dreams and goals for our future. I can feel my heart start wanting to open up to her, but still resisting. It remembers the pain. And frankly I don't trust myself yet.
At first S's emails made me laugh so hard! She seemed to completely "get" my sense of humor. Now, as I'm opening up a little more about my job, my passions, and my... kids even... she seems to even "get" that too. Except... I don't get her. She wrote this in an email very early this morning: "My last gf broke up with me because I don't want kids and she wanted to keep that door open for herself. I am open to children, just not family planning." WTF does that mean? Then she goes on to explain that the woman had 2 kids... " ... she and I should have ended the relationship sooner but I fell totally in love with her kids. I loved being a mom more than she did. I suppose I am telling you this because I want you to know that I am not scared of the kid thing."
I'm confused. My heart is locking itself back up. I cannot get even remotely involved with anyone ever again that doesn't see themselves as being a part of my life in its entirety. Now, that being said... when I am ready to really DATE a woman, do I think my kids will be ready to accept her into their lives? No... that's not what I'm saying. That will be much later. But I don't even want to go down that road with someone if we both aren't headed to the same place.
Is that fair of me? Or ... not...?
I just cannot handle another heartache.
And I doubt anyone will be willing to take on five kids... so I've already resigned myself to the fact that I may just be alone for a long time. At least until the kids are adults. (Please see next blog post regarding electrical outlets.)
Tomorrow I leave for my little mini vacation to see/meet T (previously blogged about as New Friend). When I said in previous post that there had been some mild flirting... uhm... nothing compared to what S has had to say...!! Goodness!! However, T seems very sweet and makes me smile often. I am very excited to see her and meet her finally.
When I think about someone in my life accepting me and my children, I don't see T though. And that's okay. I do see her as being a very good friend for a very long time... I hope that's what she sees too.
This is way harder than I thought it was going to be. Seriously... what the fuck. I just wanted to have a little fun.