My sweetie is primarily self-employed. How nice is that? Personally, I could never do. it I hate working so much, I would be my own worst employee... I am also not a fan of confrontation or conflict, so I would have the worst time of firing myself. I am sure I would be the first person to get shit canned.
I guess this "says something" about S. And probably about me. I'm not sure what... It's all good though.
I say she is PRIMARILY self employed because she does hold a part-time job with a large company that provides her with excellent benefits in many varieties.... not just the usual health, dental, vision package. I'll call this The Company.
Her job with The Company requires her to travel and be away from home for days at a time. Home. Where is that? I'll admit it, we've been spending oodles of time together lately and if I added up the days on the calendar that she has actually been at her place vs. my place... I'm not sure where she's been at more. But, still this is not her home.
Home. Is it the dwelling? Is it where you hang your hat? Is it where you kick off your boots at the end of the day?
When I say The Company job requires her to be away from home what I really mean is that The Company requires her to be away from me. I feel okay being apart from S most of the time, because I know that A) she will return home in a few days and B) it will only be a few days. I can rationalize this in my head and it helps calm my heart. I respect her Company job because it helps her do what she loves with her own business and in her personal time. I am an adult with life experiences that help me realize this.
This weekend, though, I realized that The Company job wasn't just taking her away from me. The kidlets noticed her absence too. Before we even left their dad's porch, the Boy was asking, "Is S at home?" I couldn't tell if he meant my home or her home. It didn't matter, because she wasn't at either place. I explained to him, again, about her Company job and that she would be gone this weekend. When we got home the Boy asked, "Why does S always leave?"
Fuck. I don't know. Because she doesn't live here. I could think of a million reasons why S leaves, but at that moment all I could think of saying was "Fuck. I don't know."
When we walked in the house the Baby said "Mommy house, S house." I guess it seems that way to her too. It does to me. When S and the kids are in the house with me, it feels like home. Not just A HOME, but home. So seeing the Baby walk around, clearly looking for S, made me very empty. My middles talked about Halloween this year and L wants S to TAKE her trick-or-treating while M wants S to STAY home with her and pass out the treats. I don't know who will win. Either way, S wins. Who wouldn't want to do either with both girl?
The kidlets and I have been busy this weekend with Karate, the park, ice cream dates, and more. It's been fairly easy to fall back into a "pre-S routine" and I am somewhat grateful for that. Until last night, when I realized it wasn't that easy after all.
It was half past midnight and I'm not sure why but the Baby was still awake, sitting on the sofa with me. S texted me that she had gotten home from her last Company trip. "S is home!" I just exclaimed it. I was so excited that she was home, safe. The Baby must have thought I meant... you know... home... our home... because she started repeating me and looking for S to come through the door. I had to explain to her, S isn't here... she's at her home... not our home... and the words felt too big for my mouth. Like they didn't fit. Baby just looked at me and when she figured out S wasn't actually coming through the door, she put her bottom lip out in the way that just kills me...
How do you explain this to a 2 year old? How do you explain "home" to a 2 year old when she clearly already knows what "home" means? I couldn't. I tried and failed. We just cuddled. Baby was confused because she knew S should be walking through that front door, if she truly is HOME.
So where is home? Home is us.
5 comments:
You sound so satisfied. All of those things...Baby looking for S; feeling happy when she's there at the same time as the kids; etc...are just confirmation that you are in a really good place right now. Of course, icing on the cake would be Motherless making a miraculous turn-around, but all in good time because then I might have to slap you out of jealousy for daring to be so fucking complete.
Motherless and I have a hiking date later today... I'm not expecting miracles. Just a date. Maybe some direct eye contact.
Perhaps *I* can talk to her. I've been trying so hard to get her to talk to me... I am fed up with it. Dammit. I want to fucking talk to her.
This could all go very wrong...
Really hoping for a good outcome. Crossing fingers X.
Thank you Rexie. xoxo
El - my Motherless came back. It may be temporary, but she's back now. you know, you are the one that gave me THE hope, as in HOPE with your words to me. I want to give you that back - sending HOPE to you. Keep HOPE close. And as for Home...I so want a home. I really feel this post.
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