I have been very hesitant to blog about Motherless recently. I'm afraid I'm dreaming and if I blog about it, I might wake up. That sounds cheesy. I know. But it's true. Things between her and I have been so good lately that I am afraid I might do something wrong to "jinx" this.
That doesn't happen though. Right?
After her pre-birthday date with me we kept up communicating really well. She has been coming over to my house to watch movies and we eat, laugh, and even TALK. We sit on the couch and everything. At first it was more painful to have her coming here... because it made it even more lonely when she wasn't. Also, the fact that she doesn't know where the spoons are, or where the light switch in the kitchen is... makes me very sad. She should know that. She should know where we keep the cereal. She should know these little things that make it feel like she is part of this family... our family. But, she keeps coming over. I think she might start to learn where these things are...
Last night we watched Best in Show (a hilarious mocumentary about dog shows). Then I made her watch Waiting for Guffman which is another one of Christopher Guest's hilarious mocumentary type films. Really people, just watch them. We laughed so hard. I gave her a little mini-facial with a homemade sugar scrub. I rubbed some Aveeno lotion on this really weird diffuse sandpaper like rash all over her trunk. (Sorry to get nurse-like, but I'm thinking Scarlet Fever here. I didn't mention it to her because I didn't want to freak her out.)
This past weekend we spent an afternoon together and picked out her graduation dress (she's graduating from Jr. High this spring). It's beautiful. She is beautiful. I felt so honored to be able to be a part of it. Just six months ago I remember tearing up, thinking... "I wonder if Motherless will let me help her with picking out dresses for dances and graduations and such." It made me very sad to think that... no... that I might miss out on that. But I was starting to come to an acceptance.
I was starting to be able to allow myself to accept whatever she could give me.
And now, she's giving me more than I ever thought possible right now. She even came for dinner last weekend. I had my whole family there. All five of my babies... and my love. After we ate, we all watched a movie, then I took Motherless to her friend's for a sleepover. My heart full... I slept peaceful that night.
Last night I hugged her and kissed her on the forehead. She's taller than me now so this felt awkward for several reasons.
After she had gotten back to her father's house, I had to ask her... I couldn't take it any longer... We texted this:
|I am in green and Motherless is in grey.|
So there you have it.
I have never felt more loved and accepted.
I only hope that she feels the same from me.