Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Motherless: Home Again

I have been very hesitant to blog about Motherless recently.  I'm afraid I'm dreaming and if I blog about it, I might wake up.  That sounds cheesy.  I know.  But it's true.  Things between her and I have been so good lately that I am afraid I might do something wrong to "jinx" this.

That doesn't happen though.  Right?

After her pre-birthday date with me we kept up communicating really well.  She has been coming over to my house to watch movies and we eat, laugh, and even TALK.  We sit on the couch and everything.  At first it was more painful to have her coming here... because it made it even more lonely when she wasn't.  Also, the fact that she doesn't know where the spoons are, or where the light switch in the kitchen is... makes me very sad.  She should know that.  She should know where we keep the cereal.  She should know these little things that make it feel like she is part of this family... our family.  But, she keeps coming over.  I think she might start to learn where these things are...

Last night we watched Best in Show (a hilarious mocumentary about dog shows).  Then I made her watch Waiting for Guffman which is another one of Christopher Guest's hilarious mocumentary type films.  Really people, just watch them.  We laughed so hard.  I gave her a little mini-facial with a homemade sugar scrub.  I rubbed some Aveeno lotion on this really weird diffuse sandpaper like rash all over her trunk. (Sorry to get nurse-like, but I'm thinking Scarlet Fever here.  I didn't mention it to her because I didn't want to freak her out.)

This past weekend we spent an afternoon together and picked out her graduation dress (she's graduating from Jr. High this spring).  It's beautiful.  She is beautiful.  I felt so honored to be able to be a part of it.  Just six months ago I remember tearing up, thinking... "I wonder if Motherless will let me help her with picking out dresses for dances and graduations and such."  It made me very sad to think that... no... that I might miss out on that.  But I was starting to come to an acceptance.

I was starting to be able to allow myself to accept whatever she could give me.

And now, she's giving me more than I ever thought possible right now.  She even came for dinner last weekend.  I had my whole family there.  All five of my babies... and my love.  After we ate, we all watched a movie, then I took Motherless to her friend's for a sleepover.  My heart full... I slept peaceful that night.

Last night I hugged her and kissed her on the forehead.  She's taller than me now so this felt awkward for several reasons.  

After she had gotten back to her father's house, I had to ask her... I couldn't take it any longer... We texted this:
I am in green and Motherless is in grey.


So there you have it. 

I have never felt more loved and accepted. 

I only hope that she feels the same from me.

11 comments:

Natalie said...

Totally beaming for you! Revel in it and bask in the peace this brings - you deserve every last drop. (And clearly, she does feel exactly the same from you!)

Becca said...

You are so blessed to have this happening. I am sending blessings that it will continue!! :)

Lisa - Happy Mama said...

I've got big tears. This is so great.

RadDyke said...

You're very lucky.
So is she.

Peace to you, my friend.

Kilimanjaro said...

Well, I hate to say this, but I told you so, lol. That's wonderful news, E, the best. I know how much your heart has ached for her, and how much you searched your soul for the answers. But it wasn't about you; it was about her needing her space. And then she needed her Mom again. I love you both. Very happy for you.

Rexie said...

Awww...this did my heart good. Not sure if she arrived at this on her own, or if a very wise and loving adult helped by talking to her, but it doesn't matter. What does matter is she has worked it out and this is the result. I am so happy for ALL of you. Oh, Elle...you must truly be in bliss. All that was missing before was her, and now she's there. You went through hell to get where you are, but that is all behind you now. Many blessings.

Raye said...

I knew she was a smart girl. And you are a great mom. I cried a little. You give me hope that I will get my son to stop telling me he wishes I was not his mom and he should have stayed at dad's. I am holding my breath for you.

hebamme ~ said...

my eyes are blurring --- so beautiful! i can't imagine how you felt, E, besides amazing. big hugs and lots of peace... enjoy your daughter and each of your little ones!!

hebamme ~ said...

your texts brought goosebumps to me & tears to me eyes --- so beautiful and poignant from a young teen to realize this. i can't even imagine how this made you feel, beyond amazed... much love, hugs, and peace to you my friend... xoxo

AtYourCervix said...

Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! Total happiness!!!

MakingSpace said...

Nice. Very very very very (etc.) nice. Love the texts. You are a sweet mama.

Perhaps time to rename her? AlwaysMama'sGirl comes to mind...

Woot!