Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Something Old. Something New. Something Borrowed. Something Blue.

Yes, I'm that girl.  I think we've established that.  Or you're starting to see it now, aren't you?  While I claim to be this feminist, lesbian who wants to have a non-traditional relationship... there it is.... these little instances of "tradition" that I just- like.  I don't know why.

Connections.  I feel a connection?  Perhaps.

At first I thought I didn't want a diamond ring (or any ring at all) from S.  The ring she gave me in August was going to be just fine!  A simple silver band, that is all I need.  But she kept saying things like, "You need a proper ring."  And would ask if I liked diamonds or other stones.  Between her and I we both have plenty of other pieces of jewelry that could easily be reset into a new ring.  But I didn't want a traditional wedding ring. 

I didn't want a traditional marriage.

S wants to wear a ring.  A simple band.  I started searching for eco-friendly materials.  I searched for recycled rings.  I even found recylced wedding bands that were matching for each of us.  Each time I got online though, my browsing would direct me... somehow... to pretty-shiny-rings.  I just can't help it.  I like the shiny.

But no!  I was so resistant.  I would close my browser and be so frustrated with myself.  Confused too.  Once, I even put on my wedding set from my ex husband.  Oh god.  I just realized S will read this. - Eh, I'm not editing.  She'll be fine. - So, I put that on... and it was like an epiphany.  I got it. 

I didn't want a traditional marriage. 

It had nothing to do with that wedding set.  I put those pretty rings on, and I felt nothing for him.  Nothing for our marriage (not to sound callous, but the rings don't evoke emotion about my marriage to him).  The rings just didn't symbolize that FOR ME.

They are just shiny-pretty-rings.

And I wanted one.

Then I saw S's ring that was her grandmother's.  I remember one day when she put it on my finger and said, "I want you to wear this.  I think this would look better on you than me."  It is a very pretty ring.  For some reason I never felt comfortable wearing that ring.  It isn't because I didn't like it.  I loved it.  I thought it was beautiful.  I was touched.  I was so touched I didn't want to cry.  But, something about wearing it, didn't feel right.

Her grandmother is dead.  I didn't know if it had something to do with her spirit.  I believe strongly in things like this... maybe her spirit hadn't let go yet... was still here.  I'll not go any further with that.  I'll just stop there.  My point, is that I never wore the ring.  I just didn't feel it was right for me.  But I wanted to.  I would look at it.  And try it on.  And take it off.

Then on my "date" with Motherless, for her pre-Birthday, I wore it.  And it felt right.  I wore it for a few days before it hit me.  This is my wedding ring. 

I don't know if you all think I'm crazy now or what.  But, I don't really give a fuck.  The ring is too big for me.  So I had to wear it on my right hand, second finger... it almost fits best on my index finger of my right hand.  The more I realized how "right" the ring was, the more calm and settled I felt.  A couple days later, I asked S if she thought it would be an appropriate wedding ring.  "Of course," she said. 

Last week we went to the jeweler and picked a band out for her, and they will size her grandmother's ring as well.  The very well meaning sales ladies (think- big hair, leggings, knee high boots, too much makeup, rings larger than I've ever seen, and bracelets on each writs, big watches, etc...) tried to convince me I needed a wedding band as well - to show that I'll be married.  However, with the design of the ring, the band would need to be a wrap around type of a thing, and would need to be soldered to the original ring.

No.  I don't need a band to show or prove my marriage.  No.  I do not want to alter this very special ring that S's grandmother probably took such great pride in, and her grandfather probably worked his ass off to give her.  Thank you, but no.

actual wedding photo of a friend.  her grandmother's shoes.
Traditions.  Connections.  They must actually mean something to me.  Not to society. 

We are still waiting for our rings from the jeweler.  When they call me, I think I'm going to discuss with S waiting to wear them.  Our state recently passed a Religious Freedom and Civil Union Act; however, it will not go into effect until after June 1, 2011.  We've discussed getting married (real-same-sex-married) in another state or even another country.  We have even discussed NOT getting married but having our own little ceremon(ies) whenever and where ever we feel like it with whomever we want present.  We have discussed our families.  Do we want them there?  Do they want to be there?  My children... our children... are they going to be there....  If it's a "destination wedding" how will that work with five kids... oh wait... four... because will Motherless attend?  OH FUCK... I'm rambling....

I'm a traditionalist.  I want a ceremony.  I want to put our rings on each other, and I want vows- maybe even vows we've written ourselves.  I don't think this will make it mean any more than if we didn't do it.  But I do think it is more romantic.  I do think it will be nice to have that memory.  I do think it will be a nice addition to "our story" that we get to tell our next generations. 

I don't know the logistics yet.  But as S so eloquently put it to the jeweler when asked if we were in a rush to get her band, "There is no rush.  There's no shotgun here.  It's not like anyone's pregnant."


JP said...

Whatever, whenever, however it is... it will be beautiful because it's all about love.

Congratulations on finding your ring...

hebamme ~ said...

*love* this :)

tybor said...

Love it! Tears welled up upon reading of your realization that the ring was THE ring. SOOO happy for you <3 And thanks for showcasing my feet :)

MakingSpace said...

That's awesome - I love the way you figured out which ring was really yours. Beautiful.

MVEMJSUNp said...

I am honored to experience just one of these special days of devotion. The dress... the ring... the WINE (woot woot!). We want to celebrate you both. But, I know that there isn't anything traditional (in a limiting sense) about it. You will both make it your unique confirmation- despite whatever outside individual limitations have been set on the idea previously. You won't stop marrying each other at your special spontaneous ceremonies. This is just one day of shouting it loud and clear from the mountain top that you have found your epic love. It's a celebration... an INSPIRATION for us admirers on the sidelines. xo

grasshopper said...

I related to this post a lot. I didn't think having a ring was important to me. Until we found a ring that I loved, and I promptly lost it. Now it's absence is driving me nuts.

We are preparing for our own wedding in New Hampshire, where a newly republican majority is talking about repealing same sex marriage. In this environment the questions about what kind of ceremony are particularly relevant to us.

I'm glad you found your ring. I'm sure you'll have a beautiful wedding.

L said...

grasshopper... thank you for the reply to my post and for your kind words.