She makes my heart so happy. Her freckles. I remember when she didn't have them. I watched them slowly appear, and I watched her become aware of them. She would be embarrassed when people would comment on them. Now, I believe she embraces them because they make her different. She doesn't want to be like everyone else. I hear her speak like that and it is so reminiscent of me at that age.
And I wasn't like everyone else. I wasn't like anyone else.
13 is fucking hard. If someone offered me a lifetime of riches to go back and be 13 again, I would tell them to go jump. No way. No how. She lets me in sometimes, a little at a time and I am so grateful. I am so grateful to get to be a part of her life. She taught me so many things about myself just by being herself. I know she doesn't believe it now, but someday... I hope she sees the things I've taught her. There has to be something good I've done for her.
We've had some bumps recently, and there haven't been anymore "dates" ... in fact there was some pretty nasty texting about a week ago from her. However, I tried to just sit with it, and in that moment be grateful that she was communicating with me at all.
I've continued with my end of the "deal" and remained steady in my contact and in my love for her. No matter how angry she gets with me, I will never stop loving her. All of her emotions are "allowed" with me, we just have to work on ways for her to express them.
I miss mothering her.