Saturday, June 19, 2010

Distance Mothering

She makes my heart so happy.  Her freckles.  I remember when she didn't have them.  I watched them slowly appear, and I watched her become aware of them.  She would be embarrassed when people would comment on them.  Now, I believe she embraces them because they make her different.  She doesn't want to be like everyone else.  I hear her speak like that and it is so reminiscent of me at that age.

And I wasn't like everyone else.  I wasn't like anyone else.

13 is fucking hard.  If someone offered me a lifetime of riches to go back and be 13 again, I would tell them to go jump.  No way.  No how.  She lets me in sometimes, a little at a time and I am so grateful.  I am so grateful to get to be a part of her life.  She taught me so many things about myself just by being herself.  I know she doesn't believe it now, but someday... I hope she sees the things I've taught her.  There has to be something good I've done for her.

We've had some bumps recently, and there haven't been anymore "dates" ... in fact there was some pretty nasty texting about a week ago from her.  However, I tried to just sit with it, and in that moment be grateful that she was communicating with me at all.

I've continued with my end of the "deal" and remained steady in my contact and in my love for her.  No matter how angry she gets with me, I will never stop loving her.  All of her emotions are "allowed" with me, we just have to work on ways for her to express them.

I miss mothering her.

1 comment:

Rexie said...

You're right, communication, in whatever form, is better than none. She is going to have all kinds of emotions because that's what happens at her age. Throw in the added situation with you, and she is going to veer wildly. She will likely be angry at times, and it is important that she have the safety, with you, to express them. You are a GOOD mother, and I know you already know this. But this is a fragile time for you, too, and you just have to rememeber to not take it personally so you can be the strong sounding board she needs. If she sees that a particular thing hurts you, she will probably use it again when she feels like lashing out. She needs you and your love and really, that's all she wants.