Well, I made it through Memorial Day in one piece. Sort of.
So I met T and spent time with her on Monday and Tuesday and it was great! Because she knows about this blog, but doesn't read it and hasn't officially given me permission to really discuss her or "anything" I'm not really going to go into any details here. If things progress, and she gives me permission to be more free with my blogging, I may... Anyway...
It was all very sweet things, like picnics in the park, walks after dark, and a box of chocolates in my hotel room. Just sweet, sweet, sweet. But something was definitely "awkward" about her, or us, I'm not sure which. I can't tell if it was her... like if it's just who she is... or if it's something that I'm creating in her. Like it's my fault. Or if it's something that as we spend more time around one another, will totally work itself out.
But let's be real... I'm feeling very "real" tonight... how are we going to spend more time together? This was a bad idea.
Weird incident #1: I asked her if I could kiss her. TWICE, because the first time there was no response and I thought maybe she didn't hear me. The second time I asked her, there was such a long pause I thought the answer was no, and being afraid of that, and wanting to know what her lips tasted like without being told no... I just went ahead and climbed over to her and kissed her without waiting for permission.
Weird incident #2, 3, and 4: Can't blog about because of it's sensitive nature. So you get the idea.
Weird incident #5: The discussion in her car about how her nieces and nephews are the closest thing to her own children she'll ever have because she never wants children. Yes you read that right. WTF. I am sure my face turned colors. I am not sure which color it turned. Just typing about it now makes me want to puke in my mouth.
This conversation happened on day 2 after incidents 1 thru 4 had occurred and I felt so... so... *sigh*
can't describe how I felt... but it was like I'd been kicked or punched in the stomach. So we had a conversation in which I described the Ex Girlfriend's games she played with the "I don't want and never wanted kids" to the swinging to "I love them because they are yours" bullshit. I tried to impress upon her that I felt tricked and lied to as if it were a game to her (Ex Girlfriend).
I guess she thought about it a lot, because on Wednesday she called to talk to me and wanted to finish the conversation. I didn't know we weren't done yet. She mentioned that she felt a little guilty because she was confused. Fuck yeah. Me too.
Am I expecting too much? These women KNOW I have kids. I am not keeping it a secret. They freaking know. And it's not like I am asking for our third date to involve a game of Jenga with the entire family. FUCK no. I just want them to understand that in order to be involved with me, they have to be open to the possibility that this is going to lead to a built in family. It's not just my heart that will be loving them back... but the possibility of five other little hearts.
Who in the hell wouldn't want that? I guess the women that I'm attracting.
I give up. I can hardly breath. It's painful... too painful... to think about it.
And I'm a little pissed. I talked about my kids all the time to her, before this little trip. I even sent her a few "OMGlook-at-how-cute-they-are-doing-this" pictures to her. So she knew... she fucking knew. I'm feeling so deceived. It's one thing, if I'm lying to myself. Trying to tell myself, "I can change her." But, I never thought that. I thought ... well... she knows about my kids, so she must be open to having a big family someday.
I know this all seems like I am putting the cart before the horse and I GET THAT. I told her that on the phone. But, it's really important to me, because I don't want to be hurt... I was hurt. Very badly by Ex Girlfriend. I can't go through that again. So for me, there is just no point in opening my heart up to someone that isn't going to be "around" for all of us.
Am I making a mistake in that? What the fuck am I doing?