Thursday, June 3, 2010

Weekend Update: With Lesbian Loser Blogger

Well, I made it through Memorial Day in one piece.  Sort of.  

So I met T and spent time with her on Monday and Tuesday and it was great!  Because she knows about this blog, but doesn't read it and hasn't officially given me permission to really discuss her or "anything" I'm not really going to go into any details here.  If things progress, and she gives me permission to be more free with my blogging, I may... Anyway...

It was all very sweet things, like picnics in the park, walks after dark, and a box of chocolates in my hotel room.  Just sweet, sweet, sweet.  But something was definitely "awkward" about her, or us, I'm not sure which.  I can't tell if it was her... like if it's just who she is... or if it's something that I'm creating in her.  Like it's my fault.  Or if it's something that as we spend more time around one another, will totally work itself out.

But let's be real... I'm feeling very "real" tonight... how are we going to spend more time together?  This was a bad idea.

Weird incident #1: I asked her if I could kiss her.  TWICE, because the first time there was no response and I thought maybe she didn't hear me.  The second time I asked her, there was such a long pause I thought the answer was no, and being afraid of that, and wanting to know what her lips tasted like without being told no... I just went ahead and climbed over to her and kissed her without waiting for permission.

Weird incident #2, 3, and 4:  Can't blog about because of it's sensitive nature.  So you get the idea.

Weird incident #5:  The discussion in her car about how her nieces and nephews are the closest thing to her own children she'll ever have because she never wants children.  Yes you read that right.  WTF.  I am sure my face turned colors.  I am not sure which color it turned.  Just typing about it now makes me want to puke in my mouth.

This conversation happened on day 2 after incidents 1 thru 4 had occurred and I felt so... so... *sigh*
can't describe how I felt... but it was like I'd been kicked or punched in the stomach.  So we had a conversation in which I described the Ex Girlfriend's games she played with the "I don't want and never wanted kids" to the swinging to "I love them because they are yours" bullshit.  I tried to impress upon her that I felt tricked and lied to as if it were a game to her (Ex Girlfriend).

I guess she thought about it a lot, because on Wednesday she called to talk to me and wanted to finish the conversation.  I didn't know we weren't done yet.  She mentioned that she felt a little guilty because she was confused.  Fuck yeah.  Me too.

Am I expecting too much?  These women KNOW I have kids.  I am not keeping it a secret.  They freaking know.  And it's not like I am asking for our third date to involve a game of Jenga with the entire family.  FUCK no.  I just want them to understand that in order to be involved with me, they have to be open to the possibility that this is going to lead to a built in family.  It's not just my heart that will be loving them back... but the possibility of five other little hearts.

Who in the hell wouldn't want that?  I guess the women that I'm attracting.

I give up.  I can hardly breath.  It's painful... too painful... to think about it.

And I'm a little  pissed.  I talked about my kids all the time to her, before this little trip.  I even sent her a few "OMGlook-at-how-cute-they-are-doing-this" pictures to her.  So she knew... she fucking knew.  I'm feeling so deceived.  It's one thing, if I'm lying to myself.  Trying to tell myself, "I can change her."  But, I never thought that.  I thought ... well... she knows about my kids, so she must be open to having a big family someday.

I know this all seems like I am putting the cart before the horse and I GET THAT.  I told her that on the phone.  But, it's really important to me, because I don't want to be hurt... I was hurt.  Very badly by Ex Girlfriend.  I can't go through that again.  So for me, there is just no point in opening my heart up to someone that isn't going to be "around" for all of us.

Am I making a mistake in that?  What the fuck am I doing?

7 comments:

Asya said...

Just offering advice...and if you don't want it-disregard. First, it pisses me off that when people know you have kids (and this goes for any single parent) that they go into a "friendship" or "relationship" knowing that, so the bait and switch on how they feel about it makes me angry. I can totally understand why that would confuse/hurt/upset you. Ok, so here is my opinion...perhaps if they can't see that your kids are important in your life, then maybe they are not seeing the real you. Although a mother's life is not all about their children, they are a significant part of it and someone that is "right" for you, or important in your life will find your children important to them. WARNING, another opinion, take it slow...maybe make yourself NOT be "close" or "intimate" until...you make up when (a certain date #, time frame, etc...). I only say this because even just a kiss or an intimate touch or moment "changes" all the emotions~makes them different/stronger/not sure how to describe it. Take time to have all the "conversations" in person first...I know it is hard sometimes and have to say when I was dating I didn't follow this advice, but I hate to see people, esp. my dear friends hurt and I know how special of a person you are and that you deserve everything you want and need and more.
Again, just my opinion, disregard if you don't care to hear it.

MVEMJSUNp said...

I have med head, so this may not make sense, but:
You are still learning the lessons... you are getting confirmations that you know what you want and the assurance that you are heading in the right direction. Just because others are unsure of their path/status/wants does not reflect upon you. Stop taking the blame for other people's emotions. Continue to be true to yourself.

Rexie said...

I agree that a potential partner should want kids, or maybe even have some of her own. When someone says they don't want kids, you should listen. It means they don't want kids. Even though they might make concessions in order to be in a relationship with you, it will always be in the back of both of your minds. Do you really want your kids to be accepted as a concession anyway? Why not look for someone who whole not only heartedly accepts them but wants them too? Until you find her, it's OK to have just flings without any long term plans, if you want to. Have fun being who you are. Meet people. Make friends. This life is new to you and your family, so you might think about stabilizing your role as a single mom before moving onto a relationship that is serious.

Elle said...

Asya... yes, I blog here because I want to read others' opinions. I may not agree with what opinions or advice I get, but I respect that everyone is putting time into reading about my little life and typing out their responses. So thank you. :)

MVEMJSUNp (can I call you JSun?)... welcome here! "Stop taking the blame for other people's emotions." Uhhhhh... sure, but it's never been that easy for me. I'm TRYING though! "Continue to be true to yourself." That's the plan.

Rexie... Thank you, thank you! I feel oh so validated. And ... "This life is new to you and your family, so you might think about stabilizing your role as a single mom before moving onto a relationship that is serious." You're right... :)

Rexie said...

:)

Candice said...

I can see how you would be pissed off by that. I'm sure anyone would feel deceived in those circumstances.

I think you've received some great input/advice on the matter, so I haven't got much to add in that regard. I do wish you the best though.

Anonymous said...

From the perspective of one who never wants kids: I always made this clear early in dating relationships, usually during the first or second date.

If she says she doesn't want kids, she doesn't want kids. That probably includes the ones you have already. This will not change, thus, she's wrong for you. Wish her well and move on (as you have).

(My current SO doesn't want kids, either.)