Sunday, July 24, 2011

If You're Interested

I have a friend who is very sick, like in a mental health crisis, and I didn't even know it.  Is it because I haven't been in touch with her?  Am I that busy?  Too busy to pick up the phone?  Send an email?

I knew she was not doing well.  She's been in a spiral for a while.  I should have called. 

But the fact of the matter is, I didn't.

I got an email from her today with a link to a forum where she updated about her condition in case "I was interested."  My stomach sank.  She thinks that my lack of communication with her has been disinterest?  Whatthefuck.  And why can't the email just tell me what's been going on?  It reads, "I've been hospitalized, etc."  With a link.  A LINK.

First of all... ET-fucking-CETERA.  There is more?  And a link.  To a forum I never go to anymore (for reasons that are mine and not hers).

I click the link - rack my brain for log in/password info - read her post and responses... and I am sad.  So sad.

I have lost her.  It has been six weeks since I have seen her, since my wedding... now so much has happened that I've not been there for her. 

She updated us all about her Dx and very much of it makes sense.  And some of it does not.  I cried for her and her family.  This afternoon I feel a numb denial that I've felt before when a loved friend has died, and it has not sank in.  But, she is not dead.  She's out there struggling, suffering, getting hospitalized, graduating from intensive outpatient programs, hurting, and ... healing... I hope healing...

She's just doing it all without me.

I'm very proud of my friend.  I am scared for her.  I am sad.  I miss her. 

Why can't I pick up the phone?

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Not lost to you, just wandering in the dark. I love you, my friend.

Bebe

Asya said...

I will pray for your friend. I hope she is ok. She will be. Don't be too hard on yourself, we all have very busy lives (esp. when we have a child or five) and we do the best we can to be the best wife, partner, mother, friend, etc... that we can be at that time. Call her or email her, be there for her now.

Lisa G. - Happy Mama said...

I've been in this place before. I also have a hard time just picking up the fucking phone.

(((((E)))) and ((((B)))))

Kendra said...

I have been in your friends position. I have been down in the depths of despair and pretty sure I would never ever be able to get out of it. And my best friend wasn't there. She felt awful for not being there. She wanted to be. At least a large part of her wanted to be. But it is hard to be there for a person who is that lost. Because you really could lose them. They could die and in my friend's case she was terrified that whatever she did or said would somehow make me worse instead of better. She was terrified that I would hold it against her that she was happy. It's hard to know how to react and it's scary. In the end I think the people who care about people with mental illnesses do the very best they can. I am sorry for you and your friend that you have to go through this. I hope you both find a way to get through this and be better for it.