I have a friend who is very sick, like in a mental health crisis, and I didn't even know it. Is it because I haven't been in touch with her? Am I that busy? Too busy to pick up the phone? Send an email?
But the fact of the matter is, I didn't.
I got an email from her today with a link to a forum where she updated about her condition in case "I was interested." My stomach sank. She thinks that my lack of communication with her has been disinterest? Whatthefuck. And why can't the email just tell me what's been going on? It reads, "I've been hospitalized, etc." With a link. A LINK.
First of all... ET-fucking-CETERA. There is more? And a link. To a forum I never go to anymore (for reasons that are mine and not hers).
I click the link - rack my brain for log in/password info - read her post and responses... and I am sad. So sad.
I have lost her. It has been six weeks since I have seen her, since my wedding... now so much has happened that I've not been there for her.
She updated us all about her Dx and very much of it makes sense. And some of it does not. I cried for her and her family. This afternoon I feel a numb denial that I've felt before when a loved friend has died, and it has not sank in. But, she is not dead. She's out there struggling, suffering, getting hospitalized, graduating from intensive outpatient programs, hurting, and ... healing... I hope healing...
She's just doing it all without me.
I'm very proud of my friend. I am scared for her. I am sad. I miss her.
Why can't I pick up the phone?