an Outlet (so to speak)

I was moving some boxes to the new house yesterday with the kids. Nothing big. I was very tired and I don't have much packed yet. I don't have any trucks yet..

The house is a 4-ish bedroom. The ish is a long story I don't feel like typing out. Well, the kids keep arguing over who gets which room.

When it hit me.

I looked at which room is left for me... that one will never fucking work!! There's like ONE very poorly placed electrical outlet. Uhm... okay.

I went across the hall to the other bedroom... electrical outlets GALORE and... a phone jack.

I'm taking that room.

WTF does that even mean?

I realized last night, through an email exchange with a woman that I've been in contact with for about a month now, that I may never be able to open my heart again.  

Let's call her S.  I have started to "like" S more and more... our emails have gotten more personal than just the casual and humorous exchanges we had began our relationship with.  We have started to really share some things from our past... and some important dreams and goals for our future.  I can feel my heart start wanting to open up to her, but still resisting.  It remembers the pain.  And frankly I don't trust myself yet.  

At first S's emails made me laugh so hard!  She seemed to completely "get" my sense of humor.  Now, as I'm opening up a little more about my job, my passions, and my... kids even... she seems to even "get" that too.  Except... I don't get her.  She wrote this in an email very early this morning:  "My last gf broke up with me because I don't want kids and she wanted to keep that door open for herself.  I am open to children, just not family planning."  WTF does that mean?  Then she goes on to explain that the woman had 2 kids... " ... she and I should have ended the relationship sooner but I fell totally in love with her kids.  I loved being a mom more than she did.  I suppose I am telling you this because I want you to know that I am not scared of the kid thing."

I'm confused.  My heart is locking itself back up.  I cannot get even remotely involved with anyone ever again that doesn't see themselves as being a part of my life in its entirety.  Now, that being said... when I am ready to really DATE a woman, do I think my kids will be ready to accept her into their lives?  No... that's not what I'm saying.  That will be much later.  But I don't even want to go down that road with someone  if we both aren't headed to the same place.

Is that fair of me?  Or ... not...?

I just cannot handle another heartache.

And I doubt anyone will be willing to take on five kids... so I've already resigned myself to the fact that I may just be alone for a long time.  At least until the kids are adults.  (Please see next blog post regarding electrical outlets.)

Tomorrow I leave for my little mini vacation to see/meet T (previously blogged about as New Friend).  When I said in previous post that there had been some mild flirting... uhm... nothing compared to what S has had to say...!!  Goodness!!  However, T seems very sweet and makes me smile often.  I am very excited to see her and meet her finally. 

When I think about someone in my life accepting me and my children, I don't see T though.  And that's okay.  I do see her as being a very good friend for a very long time... I hope that's what she sees too.

This is way harder than I thought it was going to be.  Seriously... what the fuck.  I just wanted to have a little fun. 

The "Next-Day-Phone-Call" -or text- after The First Date

I woke up this afternoon to an anonymous text from Motherless asking, "When are you moving?"  At first I was creeped out a little because I didn't recognize the number.  I asked the texter to identify themselves and the response I got was "It's your son."  Seriously?  Dude.  He is five.  He can't spell or use punctuation yet.

I got it out of the texter that it was.... yeah... you guessed it.... Motherless!  She was texting me again.  This is huge in the world of a 13 year old, I believe.  Especially since March 14, 2010 was the last text I received from her.  (Yes I know the exact date.  I have all of her texts saved still.  No judging..... )  Since that time in March, when we had our big "falling out" or whatever, she got a new cell number, and neither her nor her father made me privy of it.

So, second awesome outcome of this:  I have her cell phone number now.  YAY.  I am a ginormous geek.

This truly does feel like I am dating her.  It's like butterflies in my tummy and all that shit.

I don't know what's going on.  I'm trying to not get my hopes up.  I'm trying not to expect too much.

First Dates

Last evening after I wrote in my blog I called the children again and asked my second oldest, M, if she wanted to come to the new house with me to see it and pick out bedrooms and such.

When I got there to pick her up, of course L wanted to come.  She can't "miss out" on a thing.  Then when The Boy heard that his sisters were going somewhere he just HAD to come.  (The van was really filling up.)  So I decided to be brave and ask Motherless if she wanted to come too.  She said "Maybe."  OMG... she spoke to me.  And it wasn't nastiness.  She said, "Ask dad."  Of course he said yes.

She just kept bouncing her basket ball.  Over and over.  And shooting.  Bounce.  Shoot.  Bounce.  Shoot.  I would catch her shot and bounce it back to her.  We did this wordless, silent, weird "dance" for what felt like EVER... 4 minutes tops... and then I said, "Are you coming?"  She said, "no."

Ugh.  I decided to beg.

She said fine.

HOLY SHIT.

I felt like I was on a "first date."  I was all nervous about saying the wrong thing.  I didn't want to look at her too much.  I was worried I smelled bad.  I was worried I had bad breath.  I wished I had more money so I could take her out for ice cream.  I ... I ... I...

She looked around the house silently.  Then the other kids started arguing over who was going to have which room.  I asked Motherless if she wanted to have a room at my new house.  She shook her head no.  I fought back tears. 

Never ask a question you don't want to hear the answer to.  NEVER.

So I said, "Well, I still have your bed.  I am going to put it in M's room.  Just in case..." 

Basically she didn't look at me or speak to me the entire time.  But she came to my new house. 

So, just like ending an awkward first date, I wanted to kiss her goodbye... but chickened out.

Stolen

I am a thief.

My oldest daughter, the one that is now motherless, has a Facebook profile.  Of course I am not on her friend's list, nor do I care to be actually.  I don't think that parents and children should "go there"... anyway... I digress...

I am a thief.

I search for her profile and I look to see if she's added new photos of herself.  She has her privacy settings super stellar, but she changes her profile picture often.  I "save" her picture to my desktop whenever I can.  Just to look at her.

I tried again to talk to her today.  I was on the phone with L and I asked her to put Motherless on.  Of course Motherless refused in a nasty way.  So I decided to ask for The Boy while choking back tears.  While talking to my son I could hear L and Motherless **laughing** at me.

I have been stolen.

I'd like to know someone. . .

 

I’d Like To Know

I’d like to know someone

Who’s known months without sun
I’d like to know someone
Who’s learned how to sleep
When the night’s still bright
I’d like to know someone
Who comes from the mountains
Like a wall against my waves
I’d like to know someone
Who knows the quiet time
After the song is sung

Cause I’m quick to love
Quicker to tire
I’m looking for a slower burn
A better kind of fire

I’d like to know someone
With music in their lungs
I’d like to know someone
Who lets stuff off the hook
Throw back the little ones

And when you’re not afraid to stay
I won’t be afraid of morning
And when you’re not afraid to say
I’ll never be afraid, to listen

I’d like to know someone
Who knows I came undone once
I’d like to know someone
Who knows deep where they come from

unedited

Today I wrote to an old friend whom I still love quite dearly.  

Lately it seems as though I've been editing most of my emotions out of my correspondence with her.  I mean ... I have been sharing with her... but it definitely feels like a "watered down" version.  I think this is because I was afraid that if she saw the real intensity of my emotions, she might be afraid.  Or perhaps I thought that it wouldn't be "fair" to her... to just lay all of those emotions out to her after having NOT communicated for so many months.

I cannot take it anymore.  I cannot take the editing.

This morning, without shame, I've been passing emails in the hall, and wearing my heart on my sleeve.  Maybe even some of the things I've told her haven't even been nice things for her to hear.  I don't really give a fuck.  That's where I am at this morning.  I am just feeling so hurt, and I'm pouting, and I KNOW that I'm being juvenile. 

I know that we are friends though, before we were lovers.  And that has to count for something.  Right?